A site for me to release my thoughts, my heart and soul for the world to see!
Tonight~*~
i dont wanna sleep tonight
you know what i want to do
but i know you love it when i talk dirty
nothing, i want you to wear nothing
i want to watch you undress, how you do it
Oh God, theres nothing like it
no, i dont wanna sleep tonight
i want you sweaty, hard inside me
to hold my hands above my head
to make me moan and wither at the lightest of your touches
i want your hands on my ass
as you hammer into me
fill me with your fire
i want to lock my legs behind your back
come on, make me scream
i want to move against you
make you as crazy
as much as you make me
i clutch the blankets
as we move closer, closer to ecstasy
Oh God, no one, no one can make me feel, move as you do
how the hell did we get on the floor?
oh screw it, im on top and im loving it
your eyes widen as you realize i know what im doing
i bite my lip, arch my back and throw my head back
as i experience wave upon wave of pleasure
it takes my breath away
Oh God, im glad i didnt let us sleep tonight
So Fragile
Like a dream in my bed, but in my mind the end is near
And I am soon gone, I fear.
My brain is floating in place, receiving false signals without a trace of where they were read.
For I am hanging by a thread.
A thread so fragile it cannot survive, without the body keeping it alive.
It began as cord from which I grew, arms and legs, toes and fingers too.
A lifeline of energy bonding body and brain; a source of power and a shelter from the rain.
For twenty years we grew together in a symbiosis that created a man--body teaching brain, and brain responding to train.
Then an unkind cut, damaged the link, and my body began to sink into the nothingness defined, by loss of the mind.
My memory is strong, as I focus on the place, where my body moved with such grace.
And nothing happens when I call--nothing at all.
Deprived of their lifeblood, cord nerves entwined, die one by one until none remain.
My brain grows depressed as it attempts to reach, organs no longer within its teach.
Organs that die, little by little, with no word from a severed mind.
One nerve, then another, shrivels and dies.
The once mighty river of power is reduced to a thread.
And when the thread breaks, I will be dead.
A head without a body is like a body without a head....dead...don't cut me off from that life-giving thread.
Trust (Russ)
Your words begin to mean nothing to me,
You continue to lie under your breathe.
Had me convinced that you were different,
Yet here I am, with broken trust.
My heart torn out from the center of my chest,
Ripped into a million pieces.
You promised me over and over,
That you would change for the better.
But I soon came to realize,
That your no different then then the last time we met.
Each event replayed itself,
And each time you betrayed me.
Again I am standing here in this empty hole,
Listening to the echoes of your promises fade away.
I really thought you would change for me,
I really believed that you cared for me.
Oh, how wrong I was,
To put my trust in the likes of you.
The pain I am feeling now,
Is the pain I’ll forever retain.
Over and over again,
I am left with nothing.
No matter what I do,
I always get the blunt end of the stick.
Normally I would say I’m to blame,
But sadly I do not deserve this claim.
My eyes have reopened,
To never again let you gain my trust.
In the world we live in now,
Has very little, if any.
Able bodies that I can trust,
Is it so, that only I can earn this trust?
I don’t believe I’ll ever truly understand the meaning of trust,
I won’t live by this word.
For its meaning is far to easily broken,
And very difficult to fix.
No longer will I allow trust to govern my life,
No longer will I allow your love in my life.
I stand here alone,
With a broken trust.
My last words to whom it may concern,
My trust in you was a privilege.
You continued to break the very string,
That held my trust for you.
In the end,
You betrayed me with more than I can say.
Left me,
With a broken trust and a broken heart.
2011 November
I know I haven't written in some time. Been busy with work, but plan on adding more in days to come
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Broken *~*
Sometime life takes a spin…
we learn how to laugh,
cry and try to stay competent so we don’t hurt again…
When he said he loved me…
I thought that was the key…
not only to my heart,
but to a new beginning…
We met on several occasions…
sometimes for fun…
but all and all…
I thought it was a start to opening our hearts…
We shared our sorrows…
sometimes for hours,
but I realize he is not the same…
only when he is ready to play the game…
I’m not a game player…
and never will be…
he came to me to fill a void…
but then I fell in love with him and he walked away,
what can I say…
I can’t fix him nor will I try…
I guess we will never know what love we had even though we had a great time…
So here’s to you my love…
I wish you only the best…
cause you will never find anyone as good as what you had…
we learn how to laugh,
cry and try to stay competent so we don’t hurt again…
When he said he loved me…
I thought that was the key…
not only to my heart,
but to a new beginning…
We met on several occasions…
sometimes for fun…
but all and all…
I thought it was a start to opening our hearts…
We shared our sorrows…
sometimes for hours,
but I realize he is not the same…
only when he is ready to play the game…
I’m not a game player…
and never will be…
he came to me to fill a void…
but then I fell in love with him and he walked away,
what can I say…
I can’t fix him nor will I try…
I guess we will never know what love we had even though we had a great time…
So here’s to you my love…
I wish you only the best…
cause you will never find anyone as good as what you had…
Hate ~*~
I HATE being patient, but I’ve got more of it than anyone else I know
I HATE having to put my self aside for something else,
but I care enough to do it
I find myself filled with a lot of that lately... this… Hate…
It sounds so weird to say it out loud… Hate…. It doesn’t have a nice feeling.
I HATE-
It’s just not me.
It’s not how I want to be.
It doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth.
It doesn’t sound right swirling through my head
why is it that I find myself constantly forcing that word out of my head.
I hate that…
there it is again,
lately It creeps up on me.
I know what causes it. I’m tired.
I’m tired of being patient and putting myself second
second for you
I hate you
I don’t hate you.
I hate the power you seem to have over me
I hate that I can’t hate you.
I feel helpless,
The words echo through my head. They echo through the room.
The room
This room.
I hate this room.
The room you so kindly took the time to build for me.
the room in my head.
once my sanctuary. – now my enemy.
I hate this room.
I’m forced to sit in this damp windowless room.
there is no way out. Not yet anyways.
I have to wait.
wait - And be patient.
wait…
for you.
I HATE having to put my self aside for something else,
but I care enough to do it
I find myself filled with a lot of that lately... this… Hate…
It sounds so weird to say it out loud… Hate…. It doesn’t have a nice feeling.
I HATE-
It’s just not me.
It’s not how I want to be.
It doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth.
It doesn’t sound right swirling through my head
why is it that I find myself constantly forcing that word out of my head.
I hate that…
there it is again,
lately It creeps up on me.
I know what causes it. I’m tired.
I’m tired of being patient and putting myself second
second for you
I hate you
I don’t hate you.
I hate the power you seem to have over me
I hate that I can’t hate you.
I feel helpless,
The words echo through my head. They echo through the room.
The room
This room.
I hate this room.
The room you so kindly took the time to build for me.
the room in my head.
once my sanctuary. – now my enemy.
I hate this room.
I’m forced to sit in this damp windowless room.
there is no way out. Not yet anyways.
I have to wait.
wait - And be patient.
wait…
for you.
Letting Go And Holding On
Oh how I love life,
walking outside in spring and summer
and smelling the honeysuckle floating on the warm breeze.
Couples walking hand and hand,
smiles of happiness from being in love
owners walking their dogs,
kids laughing and playing,
birds chirping and singing all day long
each and everyday the world continues on.
I get tired of it's confusion
tired of the pain.
I'm tired of the emptiness from hearts I've parted from.
Tired of wishing for more but not knowing which way to turn
and sometimes too scared to look back.
To let go completely of yesterday,
and grasp a hold on the hope of tomorrow.
A hope that if tomorrow gets here, it won't be like yesterday.
Yesterday's holding on to the hope of a lost love
yesterday's disappointments of the same ol' routine
yesterday's wishing bills didn't exist
so there wouldn't be any living from check to check.
Yesterday's empty dreams of a fairy tail ending,
Wanting an end to all my struggling.
OH... holding onto the hope of tomorrow...
A tomorrow filled with pure happiness
knowing that this direction on the path is the one and only way...
Success.
A tomorrow filled with the reassurance that your headed for better days.
A tomorrow with a love that was sent to you from the heaven above that will only grow deeper and deeper as time goes by to last forever.
A tomorrow that will complete and fulfill yesterdays wants and dreams.
A tomorrow that will conquer all my hardships and troubles.
I grasp the thought of what wonderfulness tomorrow could bring.
Dream ~*~
I wish I could describe you
You're nothing but a dream
Leaving me nothing to hold onto
I feel like I could scream
I would sleep forever
Just to dream you again
Oh, can't you come to me
To free me of this pain?
I'm lying on my bed again
Waiting to fall asleep
To spend another night with you
To explore this ocean deep
I'm back in our world, I'm happy again
I see you there, and you whisk me away
And then like a bird, the time flies by
The morning arrives, much to my dismay
I cry out loud as you fade away
Begging desperately for the night to stay
My eyes open, and I close them again
Hoping to see your face for once, but nay
Again, left with nothing but the thought
That if I were to die and go to the heaven
I'd beg to live a night with you instead
After that, I'd never think of you in vain
If only I could see your face for once
If only I could feel your touch
I'd tell you how much I love you
Is that really asking for too much?
You're nothing but a dream
Leaving me nothing to hold onto
I feel like I could scream
I would sleep forever
Just to dream you again
Oh, can't you come to me
To free me of this pain?
I'm lying on my bed again
Waiting to fall asleep
To spend another night with you
To explore this ocean deep
I'm back in our world, I'm happy again
I see you there, and you whisk me away
And then like a bird, the time flies by
The morning arrives, much to my dismay
I cry out loud as you fade away
Begging desperately for the night to stay
My eyes open, and I close them again
Hoping to see your face for once, but nay
Again, left with nothing but the thought
That if I were to die and go to the heaven
I'd beg to live a night with you instead
After that, I'd never think of you in vain
If only I could see your face for once
If only I could feel your touch
I'd tell you how much I love you
Is that really asking for too much?
One Wish ~*~
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you.
I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you.
Random Thought for someone ~*~
A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is. They don't leave you because that is not love. They stay by you. They don't walk away
Cut to Deep
the bleeding wont stop,
i cut to deep,
my hand is numb,
im falling asleep.
pain is great,
i still cant believe,
when i needed you most,
you decided to leave.
my face is wet,
why am i crying,
your making her laugh,
while im here dying
i cut to deep,
my hand is numb,
im falling asleep.
pain is great,
i still cant believe,
when i needed you most,
you decided to leave.
my face is wet,
why am i crying,
your making her laugh,
while im here dying
Like a Dog
Like a dog...
-I stand by your side.
-I protect you with my life.
-I adore you and love your presence.
-I have unconditionable love for you even when you hurt me.
-I am faithful, loyal and true.
-I will always be here for you.
-I wait for you to come back patiently.
-I am lost without you.
-I love you for who you are.
Like a dog... thats how you treat me. Like a dog
-I stand by your side.
-I protect you with my life.
-I adore you and love your presence.
-I have unconditionable love for you even when you hurt me.
-I am faithful, loyal and true.
-I will always be here for you.
-I wait for you to come back patiently.
-I am lost without you.
-I love you for who you are.
Like a dog... thats how you treat me. Like a dog
All of these to me ~*~
You're the thought that starts each morning,The conclusion to each day.
You are in all that I do, And everything I say.
You're the smile on my face, The twinkle in my eye.
The warmth inside my heart, The fullness in my life.
You're the hand that's laced in mine, And the coat upon my back.
My friend, my love, My shoulder to lean on.
You're my silly, mature, caring, Thoughtful, bright, and honest guy.
The one who holds me tightly, When I need to cry.
You're the dimple in my cheek, The ever-constant tingle in my soul.
The voice that makes me weak, The happiness of my life.
You are all I've wanted, You are all I need.
You are all I've dreamed of, You are all of this to me.
You are in all that I do, And everything I say.
You're the smile on my face, The twinkle in my eye.
The warmth inside my heart, The fullness in my life.
You're the hand that's laced in mine, And the coat upon my back.
My friend, my love, My shoulder to lean on.
You're my silly, mature, caring, Thoughtful, bright, and honest guy.
The one who holds me tightly, When I need to cry.
You're the dimple in my cheek, The ever-constant tingle in my soul.
The voice that makes me weak, The happiness of my life.
You are all I've wanted, You are all I need.
You are all I've dreamed of, You are all of this to me.
Missing you Letter ~*~
I feel sad and lonely. I miss you a lot. I’ve been thinking about you all the time. I'm missing you like crazy and I think I’m going mad. I simply can't stop thinking of the special times we had. Each moment lasts an hour and each hour lasts a day, just because you went away.
I need you here beside me. You are always in my mind, by the time I wake up ti’ll I close my eyes. I just want to see your face. I want to feel your warm body, hear your precious heartbeat and be lost in your embrace.
I gaze out of the window and look up at the moon. I miss you, My Darling. Please come back to me, come back to me soon. They say hope springs eternal. Well, I only hope it's true For I can't bare the emptiness that comes from missing you.
I Miss You!
I need you here beside me. You are always in my mind, by the time I wake up ti’ll I close my eyes. I just want to see your face. I want to feel your warm body, hear your precious heartbeat and be lost in your embrace.
I gaze out of the window and look up at the moon. I miss you, My Darling. Please come back to me, come back to me soon. They say hope springs eternal. Well, I only hope it's true For I can't bare the emptiness that comes from missing you.
I Miss You!
Numb
I open my mouth
to scream but nothing comes out
i try to hit the wall
but i cant move
i want to cry
but no tears will form
i fall to the floor
unable to move,
unable to feel and speak
i have no emotion
i lie here
i lie here completely
NUMB!!!
to scream but nothing comes out
i try to hit the wall
but i cant move
i want to cry
but no tears will form
i fall to the floor
unable to move,
unable to feel and speak
i have no emotion
i lie here
i lie here completely
NUMB!!!
how did this happen?? All I think about is you... ~*~
Counting down the days until I can be in your arms again...No matter how hard it is not being able to be with you right now...I will wait forever if I have to. We may be miles apart and no where near each other's heart, but I still think of you forever and always!!!
I never knew it was possible to miss someone as much as i miss you, until i lost you. One day I will see you again. I miss more about you and us than I could possibly imagine, I wish sometimes you could see into my heart to know what this is doing to me. I miss you so much, I'd give anything just to see you again. To feel the warmth & love of your touch & just be held in your arms. In your arms i feel like i can finally breath & relax, because with you i have found someone that loves me for me...My best friend and a lover like no other<3
when i think of you my heart races, my stomach jumps, and I melt. I love you. Your smile, your personality, and your crazy randomness. Your amazing..just saying
I never knew it was possible to miss someone as much as i miss you, until i lost you. One day I will see you again. I miss more about you and us than I could possibly imagine, I wish sometimes you could see into my heart to know what this is doing to me. I miss you so much, I'd give anything just to see you again. To feel the warmth & love of your touch & just be held in your arms. In your arms i feel like i can finally breath & relax, because with you i have found someone that loves me for me...My best friend and a lover like no other<3
when i think of you my heart races, my stomach jumps, and I melt. I love you. Your smile, your personality, and your crazy randomness. Your amazing..just saying
Its hard 2 b strong when all u want 2 do is break down ~*~
In my dreams you are always there, smiling, happy & laughing - my heart is healed. When I wake, I feel the pain of knowing I may never see you again. Every day that goes by that i don't get to talk to you i try to tell myself that it doesn't bother me. unfortunately, i don't even believe it. I want to talk to you so much! I want to call you so bad. Just to hear your voice. I miss you more everyday. Just never forget i love you. No matter the distance between us, I am as close to you today as I was yesterday, for as long as you are in my heart, we are never truly far apart. Friends are separated by priorities, distances, differences, & pride; no matter what comes between us, I'll always be the friend you've known from the start
A Rant..
I thought it would be nice not to write a poem, song or quote on here today. I thought I would speak from the heart. Last Monday, someone dear to me left back home & I have felt so lost since he left. I pass the street everyday that he lived on and I start to tear up. I try to remember not to turn down it or even take another street to get home or on my way to work, but I forget and I cry.
I have many people who have come in & out of my life, some it never came down to how much this one bothers me. Maybe its because I really cared for him. Maybe it is love, I really cannot lie and say I never loved him, because I did. I still do.
When he left, I knew I couldn't ask him to stay, I knew that I had to let him see for himself what he was going back too. I needed him to see from afar what he could have had here with me... maybe I will not see him again & he'll stay there forever. He says he misses me, he says he cares deeply, and from what I can tell... he is confused but I think he also sees that he cannot be happy there too long. So why stay if you know it will end? Why put time into something that may end bad? Why invest more money and time when him or her will get hurt? Guess everyone has to cross that path on their own & see it for themselves. Just the mother hen in me wants him to avoid getting hurt or being upset.
Time is one of those inevitable things & it sucks when it stops and feels like it will never pass... a week and I feel like a month has passed. I hate it. How do you make someone see the good in you & see that there would be no wrong in what could be? Why is that everyone always goes down the messed up road first? It never turns out right? It always ends up bad! Why do men want women who are super model thin & extra maintenance? Sex that great?
Ever since I was 14, I have always worked, I have always been independent. I have never in my life relied on a man to pay my way through life. I have always felt in a relationship it's 50/50 and there is always a middle ground no matter what. If your in love & that person means so much to you that if they had to stay because they enjoyed their work & I was unhappy but wanted them still in my life, I would tell them, "Look this place sucks & I want you in my life, so unless you don't want to stay here forever, please consider moving" not just up & go.
I have moved for a guy I was with, I have also given up a lot for some men... but they also made sure that I was happy in the process and made sure what ever I gave up I could gain back... except the dancing. I do regret turning down my only chance of being a professional dancer & going to the best college ever. Now blown knees, that dream is gone. My only regret in life & after 32 years of life... that's not bad.
So how do I move forward? How do I get to place of happiness without him in my life? I never knew I could ever feel what I feel for him, I never wanted to fall in love again. I was scared that I would get hurt & right now I'm hurting, and I want to try to see the silver lining & I want to say he'll be back in my life. That he will see what could be... maybe it's denial.
I know what I want, I know what I need and I found everything in him. Go figure!
I have many people who have come in & out of my life, some it never came down to how much this one bothers me. Maybe its because I really cared for him. Maybe it is love, I really cannot lie and say I never loved him, because I did. I still do.
When he left, I knew I couldn't ask him to stay, I knew that I had to let him see for himself what he was going back too. I needed him to see from afar what he could have had here with me... maybe I will not see him again & he'll stay there forever. He says he misses me, he says he cares deeply, and from what I can tell... he is confused but I think he also sees that he cannot be happy there too long. So why stay if you know it will end? Why put time into something that may end bad? Why invest more money and time when him or her will get hurt? Guess everyone has to cross that path on their own & see it for themselves. Just the mother hen in me wants him to avoid getting hurt or being upset.
Time is one of those inevitable things & it sucks when it stops and feels like it will never pass... a week and I feel like a month has passed. I hate it. How do you make someone see the good in you & see that there would be no wrong in what could be? Why is that everyone always goes down the messed up road first? It never turns out right? It always ends up bad! Why do men want women who are super model thin & extra maintenance? Sex that great?
Ever since I was 14, I have always worked, I have always been independent. I have never in my life relied on a man to pay my way through life. I have always felt in a relationship it's 50/50 and there is always a middle ground no matter what. If your in love & that person means so much to you that if they had to stay because they enjoyed their work & I was unhappy but wanted them still in my life, I would tell them, "Look this place sucks & I want you in my life, so unless you don't want to stay here forever, please consider moving" not just up & go.
I have moved for a guy I was with, I have also given up a lot for some men... but they also made sure that I was happy in the process and made sure what ever I gave up I could gain back... except the dancing. I do regret turning down my only chance of being a professional dancer & going to the best college ever. Now blown knees, that dream is gone. My only regret in life & after 32 years of life... that's not bad.
So how do I move forward? How do I get to place of happiness without him in my life? I never knew I could ever feel what I feel for him, I never wanted to fall in love again. I was scared that I would get hurt & right now I'm hurting, and I want to try to see the silver lining & I want to say he'll be back in my life. That he will see what could be... maybe it's denial.
I know what I want, I know what I need and I found everything in him. Go figure!
What is the meaning of love?
What is the meaning of love?
Most people who claim to love someone don’t really love them, because they don’t know what love actually is.
What is love NOT?
Possessiveness is not love
Jealousy is not love
Lust is not love
Fear is not love
Keeping people all to yourself is not love
Expecting something from someone is not love
Real love is unconditional. All other “forms” of love are not really love. Most parents and kids don’t love each other, most people in relationships don’t love each other, most people on the planet never experience unconditional love in their entire lives… or at least it sure looks that way.
To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future – because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with. How many parents can say that about their kids? How many people can say that about their “lover”? Love is not about you or your pleasure or your amusement. It’s not about what you get out of it or what the other person can give to you. It’s not about having a trophy you can show off with and tell people “This is *MY* girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/son/daughter/whatever”. You do not “own” anyone. It’s not about you feeling ‘proud’ to be with someone who always agrees with everything you say and do and never does anything you disagree with. Unconditional love means that the person can just live their life exactly as they choose and you will always be there for them no matter what.
So, how does unconditional love fit in with relationships and marriage and sex and all that stuff the whole world keeps going crazy over? It doesn’t, really. It doesn’t “fit” in anywhere. Relationships are like trying to put love into a box and keep it there, except love is infinitely sized, and the box is… well, there is no box large enough. And a normal, conventional marriage is quite possibly the worst possible way to show someone how much you love them.
Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing. It’s not bound by physical things, like blood relations and the desire to procreate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Most people are in relationships because they’re horny and/or lonely, even if they genuinely think they love the other person. But if the person they “love” suddenly lost their “equipment” for whatever reason, would they still want to be with that person? Would they get jealous if the person they “love” wanted to spend time with other people as well? Relationships based on needs are not unconditional.
In order to truly understand love, you must first forget everything you have ever learned about it from society and anyone else (including what I just said). You are the only person who can tell you what love is. The only reason I’m writing all this stuff is because people always try to fit “love” in with things like dating, relationships and marriage and all that. You can’t make any sense of it if you keep doing that. You have to get rid of everything you think you know first.
Most people who claim to love someone don’t really love them, because they don’t know what love actually is.
What is love NOT?
Possessiveness is not love
Jealousy is not love
Lust is not love
Fear is not love
Keeping people all to yourself is not love
Expecting something from someone is not love
Real love is unconditional. All other “forms” of love are not really love. Most parents and kids don’t love each other, most people in relationships don’t love each other, most people on the planet never experience unconditional love in their entire lives… or at least it sure looks that way.
To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future – because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with. How many parents can say that about their kids? How many people can say that about their “lover”? Love is not about you or your pleasure or your amusement. It’s not about what you get out of it or what the other person can give to you. It’s not about having a trophy you can show off with and tell people “This is *MY* girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/son/daughter/whatever”. You do not “own” anyone. It’s not about you feeling ‘proud’ to be with someone who always agrees with everything you say and do and never does anything you disagree with. Unconditional love means that the person can just live their life exactly as they choose and you will always be there for them no matter what.
So, how does unconditional love fit in with relationships and marriage and sex and all that stuff the whole world keeps going crazy over? It doesn’t, really. It doesn’t “fit” in anywhere. Relationships are like trying to put love into a box and keep it there, except love is infinitely sized, and the box is… well, there is no box large enough. And a normal, conventional marriage is quite possibly the worst possible way to show someone how much you love them.
Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing. It’s not bound by physical things, like blood relations and the desire to procreate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Most people are in relationships because they’re horny and/or lonely, even if they genuinely think they love the other person. But if the person they “love” suddenly lost their “equipment” for whatever reason, would they still want to be with that person? Would they get jealous if the person they “love” wanted to spend time with other people as well? Relationships based on needs are not unconditional.
In order to truly understand love, you must first forget everything you have ever learned about it from society and anyone else (including what I just said). You are the only person who can tell you what love is. The only reason I’m writing all this stuff is because people always try to fit “love” in with things like dating, relationships and marriage and all that. You can’t make any sense of it if you keep doing that. You have to get rid of everything you think you know first.
Goodbye
I look into your eyes, your heart, your soul -
Were you really loving me or lying?
My love goes deeper than I ever imagined it could
or even would.
Love is a part of life, I know.
So are the pain and the sorrow,
along with the smiles, and the joys.
My life will be forever changed
because I loved you.
It seemed as though my world was falling apart,
along with my heart.
No longer will I let your memory hurt me.
I will move on with my life,
no longer letting you be a part of me.
Were you really loving me or lying?
My love goes deeper than I ever imagined it could
or even would.
Love is a part of life, I know.
So are the pain and the sorrow,
along with the smiles, and the joys.
My life will be forever changed
because I loved you.
It seemed as though my world was falling apart,
along with my heart.
No longer will I let your memory hurt me.
I will move on with my life,
no longer letting you be a part of me.
Hurting
I've been tainted and shamed
Behind my pretty facade
Impured by lust and passion
Corrupted by silly illusions
My soul more broken than my heart.
No saint can save me now
I'm a sinner with no savior
So I ask God to just take me now
I want to feel numb forever
Numb, cold, and dead.
I didn't know innocence can a be a sin
Accessory to evil plots
I fell against his will
Leaving me hopelessly scared,
Trapped and good as dead.
No one knows I've got a secret
A secret I couldn't trust someone to keep
No one knows what I went through
The pain and misery I still feel
No one knows except me, God, and the devil too
head over heels
A gentle brush of his fingers,
Sending shivers down my spine.
In the love I see in his eyes,
Is a love that equals mine.
He greets me with a smile,
And leaves me with a kiss.
If he were to ever leave me,
I couldn't imagine what I'd miss.
Maybe it's his touch,
Or the way he makes me feel.
But whatever it is,
I'm head over heels.
Sending shivers down my spine.
In the love I see in his eyes,
Is a love that equals mine.
He greets me with a smile,
And leaves me with a kiss.
If he were to ever leave me,
I couldn't imagine what I'd miss.
Maybe it's his touch,
Or the way he makes me feel.
But whatever it is,
I'm head over heels.
just because
Just because you hurt me, I'm not going to break down, just because you've made me cry don't mean I'm going to let you see me frown.
Just because you fucked me over don't mean I'm going to give up on guys, it just means I need to see beyond a little boys disguise. I thought you were a real man but I was tricked I seen you from the outside and believed your lies you were slick.
I'm going to be truthful, you hurt me deep inside but my feelings for you have been thrown into the tide. I am no longer gonna hurt for someone who doesn't care I need a faithful man not one I have to share.
Just because you fucked me over don't mean I'm going to give up on guys, it just means I need to see beyond a little boys disguise. I thought you were a real man but I was tricked I seen you from the outside and believed your lies you were slick.
I'm going to be truthful, you hurt me deep inside but my feelings for you have been thrown into the tide. I am no longer gonna hurt for someone who doesn't care I need a faithful man not one I have to share.
Enslaved Love ~*~
Dreams, drifting, deepened and watered,
Lonesome, sunken and so battered,
Cast away like dead mans corpse,
Shipwrecked on lifes long mysterious course,
Crying, raging from the soul within,
For a love lost, crushed and aching.
Clinging to a life that knows no care,
Im sinking beneath a million tears,
Captured, enslaved and compelled by a love
That only your heart can free me of
A love thats saddened and filled with fear,
To be enriched by your loves sweet tear.
Lonesome, sunken and so battered,
Cast away like dead mans corpse,
Shipwrecked on lifes long mysterious course,
Crying, raging from the soul within,
For a love lost, crushed and aching.
Clinging to a life that knows no care,
Im sinking beneath a million tears,
Captured, enslaved and compelled by a love
That only your heart can free me of
A love thats saddened and filled with fear,
To be enriched by your loves sweet tear.
Goodbyes Suck!!!! ~*~ Quotes That Made Me Think about him
1. People so seldom say I love you and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to.
2. Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.
3. Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.
4. Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than remember me and cry.
5. Saying goodbye isn’t the hard part, it’s what we leave behind that’s tough.
no promises ~*~
I can't promise you perfection, because that's not who I am. I can't promise you forever, because I don't hold fate in my hands. I can't promise you the sunshine, because there will always be rain. I can't promise you complete happiness, because with true love, there comes pain. I can't promise you I'll always smile, because life always finds a way to make me cry. I can't promise you I'll stay strong, because it's not easy to want to give life another try. I can't promise you this life will always be fair, but I can promise you that no matter what, when you look back, I'll always be there.
Something For Adam...
A touch, soft and tender.
A whisper, full of desire
A gasp of sweet surrender
As passion fuels the fire
No words spoken between them
No promises to be kept
No lies being told tonight
No looking back - no regrets
Longing to hold each other
Such precious little time
Both vowed to another
Being lonely their only crime
No words spoken between them
No promises to be kept
No lies being told tonight
No looking back - no regrets
Tomorrow bringing sorrow
A brief moment of shame
With the memory of this one night
A release from passion's flames
Secret Feelings ~*~
This hidden feeling, I don't know what to do,
Why on earth do I feel this way about you?
It's a forbidden feeling, I seriously shouldn't have,
I don't know whats wrong with me, am I going mad?
I get so confused, you're always in my head,
You're the person I think about before I go to bed.
I should not feel this way about you,
I know it is wrong, but what can I do?
The more I see you, the stronger I feel,
But deep down I know it shouldn't be real.
I don't want to think about you, the way I do,
I can barely even concentrate whenever I'm near you.
This secret feeling it's driving me insane,
The way I feel whenever I hear your name.
I really don't want to feel this way,
Why are you on my mind day after day?
You're on my mind, when you really shouldn't be,
I know you'd never feel the same about me.
So why can't I stop? Why is this feeling so strong?
I can never tell anyone, they would think it is wrong.
It's crazy and insane the way you make me feel,
You're not even my age, this feeling shouldn't be real.
What can I do? What would you say?
If you knew that I felt that way?
I don't understand why I feel so comfortable around you,
It makes me nervous that you know what I'm going through.
I know I should ignore it, but it's driving me insane,
I don't get why I blush whenever I hear your name.
I seriously don't know what to do,
How am I going to get over you?
I have to do this, these feelings have to end,
It doesn't matter if you're making my heart mend!
Why on earth do I feel this way about you?
It's a forbidden feeling, I seriously shouldn't have,
I don't know whats wrong with me, am I going mad?
I get so confused, you're always in my head,
You're the person I think about before I go to bed.
I should not feel this way about you,
I know it is wrong, but what can I do?
The more I see you, the stronger I feel,
But deep down I know it shouldn't be real.
I don't want to think about you, the way I do,
I can barely even concentrate whenever I'm near you.
This secret feeling it's driving me insane,
The way I feel whenever I hear your name.
I really don't want to feel this way,
Why are you on my mind day after day?
You're on my mind, when you really shouldn't be,
I know you'd never feel the same about me.
So why can't I stop? Why is this feeling so strong?
I can never tell anyone, they would think it is wrong.
It's crazy and insane the way you make me feel,
You're not even my age, this feeling shouldn't be real.
What can I do? What would you say?
If you knew that I felt that way?
I don't understand why I feel so comfortable around you,
It makes me nervous that you know what I'm going through.
I know I should ignore it, but it's driving me insane,
I don't get why I blush whenever I hear your name.
I seriously don't know what to do,
How am I going to get over you?
I have to do this, these feelings have to end,
It doesn't matter if you're making my heart mend!
Remember every Memory
The Darkness comes to cover over me,
Shadows run to take hold of me,
I'm not afraid of what I cannot see,
I'm just to scared to set my mind free,
I fight the hand of a minute clock as it tic's and slowly toc's I can't escape my lonely thoughts of...
You came and left an impression that won't go... away, Now you've gone away, I remember every memory,
In my waking nightmare at least I know where I am,
But as I start to drift the memories flood in,
And If I close my eyes your impressions all I see,
If I try to sleep my dreams will haunt me,
Some nights i wish to be put to rest,
So I can't feel this emptiness,
I wish, could fix, still miss...
You came and left an impression that won't go... away, Now you've gone away, I remember every memory,
Every memory reminds me that you've gone away,
that your gone away... That your...
Your gone, Just alive in my dreams,
Your gone, Just a line in my song,
Just alive in my heart,
My fading heart feels like it's
Going, going, gone.
Shadows run to take hold of me,
I'm not afraid of what I cannot see,
I'm just to scared to set my mind free,
I fight the hand of a minute clock as it tic's and slowly toc's I can't escape my lonely thoughts of...
You came and left an impression that won't go... away, Now you've gone away, I remember every memory,
In my waking nightmare at least I know where I am,
But as I start to drift the memories flood in,
And If I close my eyes your impressions all I see,
If I try to sleep my dreams will haunt me,
Some nights i wish to be put to rest,
So I can't feel this emptiness,
I wish, could fix, still miss...
You came and left an impression that won't go... away, Now you've gone away, I remember every memory,
Every memory reminds me that you've gone away,
that your gone away... That your...
Your gone, Just alive in my dreams,
Your gone, Just a line in my song,
Just alive in my heart,
My fading heart feels like it's
Going, going, gone.
Pain Killers
One, two, three pain killers
Wash it down with water
Wait anxiously for it to kick in
But it never will
Because this isn't the same kind of pain
The type that slowly ceases to exist
No, it's a different kind of pain
A real blunt unexplainable ache
It doesn't reside in one specific location
But rather all over your body
And it lingers,
It refuses to resign from exerting this vile sensation
Because it enjoys it
It enjoys watching you suffer
So go ahead, pop open that bottle of Advil,
Of Tylenol, of Vicodin, of Morphine
Take as many as you want
Hell, overdose if you want
But that pain, that ache, that agony
Is not one that can be washed away
With five 325mg Percocet
Instead, it is an affliction that wears you down
Until nothing is left of you
But skin, bone, and senselessness
I miss you (Carnalita)
I need you
I need you like sea needs fish,
I need you like salt needs pepper
I need you like everyone needs an outlet,
Mine was you..
How could you leave me, how could you have died so young
when i need you,
Gonna let you in on a little secret..
I miss you so much every day.
I need you like sea needs fish,
I need you like salt needs pepper
I need you like everyone needs an outlet,
Mine was you..
How could you leave me, how could you have died so young
when i need you,
Gonna let you in on a little secret..
I miss you so much every day.
Worst Feeling
The worst feelings in life:
-Being told someone is better than you.
-Knowing that you're being lied to.
-Letting yourself be beat down.
-Crying hard.
-Losing someone close.
-Watching yourself fade away.
-Falling apart because you're alone.
-Being alone because you're falling apart.
-Hating yourself.
-Not being good enough.
-Being told that you are fat.
-Breaking up.
-Falling out of love.
-Being used.
-Being made fun of.
-Changing for someone else.
-Realizing that he doesn't love you.
-Falling asleep alone when he should be next to you
-Being told someone is better than you.
-Knowing that you're being lied to.
-Letting yourself be beat down.
-Crying hard.
-Losing someone close.
-Watching yourself fade away.
-Falling apart because you're alone.
-Being alone because you're falling apart.
-Hating yourself.
-Not being good enough.
-Being told that you are fat.
-Breaking up.
-Falling out of love.
-Being used.
-Being made fun of.
-Changing for someone else.
-Realizing that he doesn't love you.
-Falling asleep alone when he should be next to you
Goodbye to my best friend
I write this in your memory...
You saw right through the mask I wore
Heard the truth behind my muffled words
You gave me hope when I had none
And held me high when I pushed myself down
I swore we'd be together forever
Always creating new and better memories
A lasting bond that only we could share
Like sisters from the same family
But like all good things, this had to end
Lies and deception began to replace the love
Hatred grew behind your eyes everyday
Until our bond was torn apart, forever
If I cried, would you care?
If I screamed, would you hear me?
Do you dream of me when you sleep?
Do you still see my face behind your eyes?
It's hard to move forward
Knowing tougher days are ahead
I never imagined going through life
Without my best friend at my side
Goodbye.
You saw right through the mask I wore
Heard the truth behind my muffled words
You gave me hope when I had none
And held me high when I pushed myself down
I swore we'd be together forever
Always creating new and better memories
A lasting bond that only we could share
Like sisters from the same family
But like all good things, this had to end
Lies and deception began to replace the love
Hatred grew behind your eyes everyday
Until our bond was torn apart, forever
If I cried, would you care?
If I screamed, would you hear me?
Do you dream of me when you sleep?
Do you still see my face behind your eyes?
It's hard to move forward
Knowing tougher days are ahead
I never imagined going through life
Without my best friend at my side
Goodbye.
Mistake (for Russ)
I thought I could do this; start believing in you,
But you hurt me so much, I just don't know what else to do.
I don't want to see you, I'm afraid I may break.
I should have known all along; I was making a mistake.
I don't even know why I bothered to try,
I knew all along you'd be the one to make me cry.
I should have realized you were all the same,
But why is it so hard to even say your name?
You were the only one I decided to let in,
When people ask "what happened?", I won't know where to begin.
I thought I could trust you, but boy was I wrong,
I have to pretend, and I have to be strong.
I can't think about you, I have to keep myself together,
It doesn't matter that I thought you would be in my life forever.
I have to be strong, I can not cry,
I have to avoid your gaze, I can not look you in the eye.
Things will be hard, you were helping me through,
But no longer do I have any trust within you.
I have to pretend, I won't let anybody else in,
You were the one that broke me, I guess you win.
I shouldn't let it get to me, but I thought you truly cared,
I don't know if I trust you with all of the secrets I shared.
I can not explain how angry I feel,
I still don't believe that any of this is real.
The words you said, always cross my mind,
But why the hell can't I leave you behind?
I need to forget you, I have to let go,
I can't do this anymore; just thought you should know.
But you hurt me so much, I just don't know what else to do.
I don't want to see you, I'm afraid I may break.
I should have known all along; I was making a mistake.
I don't even know why I bothered to try,
I knew all along you'd be the one to make me cry.
I should have realized you were all the same,
But why is it so hard to even say your name?
You were the only one I decided to let in,
When people ask "what happened?", I won't know where to begin.
I thought I could trust you, but boy was I wrong,
I have to pretend, and I have to be strong.
I can't think about you, I have to keep myself together,
It doesn't matter that I thought you would be in my life forever.
I have to be strong, I can not cry,
I have to avoid your gaze, I can not look you in the eye.
Things will be hard, you were helping me through,
But no longer do I have any trust within you.
I have to pretend, I won't let anybody else in,
You were the one that broke me, I guess you win.
I shouldn't let it get to me, but I thought you truly cared,
I don't know if I trust you with all of the secrets I shared.
I can not explain how angry I feel,
I still don't believe that any of this is real.
The words you said, always cross my mind,
But why the hell can't I leave you behind?
I need to forget you, I have to let go,
I can't do this anymore; just thought you should know.
Fall
The drizzle of the fall rain comes down,
It cools, it soothes, taking away the summer;
The leaves fall, it's now autumn's domain,
And the insects and amphibians bid farewell.
A tilt of the Earth, 20 billion times the seasons have changed,
The creatures have grown and evolved and died out;
Life goes on, aging into infirmity in the dying season,
Making way for the crushing blow of winter
Left for dead
Darkness falls upon me,I am surrounded by the shadows
My skin is covered and consumed
The darkness is taking control
with each step that I take I feel it sucking me in
slowly grasping onto all that is wrong and all that is not right
It has me in its grasp as I watch the darkness absorb me
eating slowly through my body taking every inch of my life
I cry out..Help me I beg,this is eating me alive
but I am unheard no one there to hear My screams
My whispers My sorrow and pleas
The darkness almost has fully taken over me
I can feel my insides transitioning into all that is
unholy I'm feeling so unclean as my thoughts begin
to blur images begin to appear of things
that can only be described as disturbing
..but as the darkness takes control I see a sudden light
shine through all that was taken from me ..
A light gleams and for a second I can feel its warmth
on my skin.. it makes my body tingle and my
heart sing a tune but it is one that does not last long
At last the darkness hides my gleaming hope & I can only live to wonder
if there is a chance to start a fire if there is a chance for light to shine through
could there be..will I ever know?
I feel Darkness..I live Darkness
I am Darkness...
Let my Light shine!
My skin is covered and consumed
The darkness is taking control
with each step that I take I feel it sucking me in
slowly grasping onto all that is wrong and all that is not right
It has me in its grasp as I watch the darkness absorb me
eating slowly through my body taking every inch of my life
I cry out..Help me I beg,this is eating me alive
but I am unheard no one there to hear My screams
My whispers My sorrow and pleas
The darkness almost has fully taken over me
I can feel my insides transitioning into all that is
unholy I'm feeling so unclean as my thoughts begin
to blur images begin to appear of things
that can only be described as disturbing
..but as the darkness takes control I see a sudden light
shine through all that was taken from me ..
A light gleams and for a second I can feel its warmth
on my skin.. it makes my body tingle and my
heart sing a tune but it is one that does not last long
At last the darkness hides my gleaming hope & I can only live to wonder
if there is a chance to start a fire if there is a chance for light to shine through
could there be..will I ever know?
I feel Darkness..I live Darkness
I am Darkness...
Let my Light shine!
Broken forever more
You Think You Can Heal Me,
Break Down These Fuckin Walls?
As you look at this Blade,
I so Lovingly Bestow
You think you want to know,
What hate this soul provides?
Oh Darlin Why don't you
Jump Along for this ride.
The Lord Instilled Emotion,
All sizes shapes and Forms,
And now I give you Anger,
Enough Hostility Lucifer cannot hold.
This is what God created,
So don't you run away.
Sit your Ass right there,
Keep your eyes faced my way.
Ashes to Ashes,
And Fuckin dust to dust
I Slowly Slit These Wrist,
As your face turns to Disgust.
You see this look of Pleasure,
As it wash's over me
It's time for you to know,
You never had my heart with Thee
You were just a simple Outlet,
A Charade To keep a violent mind astray
Break Down These Fuckin Walls?
As you look at this Blade,
I so Lovingly Bestow
You think you want to know,
What hate this soul provides?
Oh Darlin Why don't you
Jump Along for this ride.
The Lord Instilled Emotion,
All sizes shapes and Forms,
And now I give you Anger,
Enough Hostility Lucifer cannot hold.
This is what God created,
So don't you run away.
Sit your Ass right there,
Keep your eyes faced my way.
Ashes to Ashes,
And Fuckin dust to dust
I Slowly Slit These Wrist,
As your face turns to Disgust.
You see this look of Pleasure,
As it wash's over me
It's time for you to know,
You never had my heart with Thee
You were just a simple Outlet,
A Charade To keep a violent mind astray
Secret Crush (for Tim before we dated)
Have you ever heard of love at first sight? Because I think When I first saw you I knew you were the one for me,only problem was we never got a chance to meet.
I'd see you and my heart would beat faster,you would say hi sometimes and i'd reply with laughter.
We never really met though i felt a vibe between us, we'd look at each other with hearts in our eyes it must be lust.
I'd start to daydream about how it would be, if only you knew i liked you and if you liked me.
I'd snap out of my daydream and there you were again, I got up my courage to speak and made a new friend.
Although I wanted more for the moment I was pleased with this, I would daydream all the time about how it would be when we first kiss.
I'd snap out of my daydream and quickly restored myself, because for two whole minutes it was us and no one else.
I started to like you more and although I didn't think you felt the same way, I felt a vibe between us every since the first day.
The first day I saw you I liked you instantly, only problem was I was unsure if you liked me.
But one thing I hope will never change is that we could always be friends, or at least until I restore myself and find courage once again.
Courage to tell you how i feel and hope you feel the same way, but until that day comes FRIENDS IS WHAT WE'LL STAY
I'd see you and my heart would beat faster,you would say hi sometimes and i'd reply with laughter.
We never really met though i felt a vibe between us, we'd look at each other with hearts in our eyes it must be lust.
I'd start to daydream about how it would be, if only you knew i liked you and if you liked me.
I'd snap out of my daydream and there you were again, I got up my courage to speak and made a new friend.
Although I wanted more for the moment I was pleased with this, I would daydream all the time about how it would be when we first kiss.
I'd snap out of my daydream and quickly restored myself, because for two whole minutes it was us and no one else.
I started to like you more and although I didn't think you felt the same way, I felt a vibe between us every since the first day.
The first day I saw you I liked you instantly, only problem was I was unsure if you liked me.
But one thing I hope will never change is that we could always be friends, or at least until I restore myself and find courage once again.
Courage to tell you how i feel and hope you feel the same way, but until that day comes FRIENDS IS WHAT WE'LL STAY
The Mirror
A silhouette upon the moonlight night
Spawned internally by her mind
A glance in a mirror, a shock of fright
Thoughts she daren’t leave behind
Beside herself with grief and pity
Eviscerated of her veracity
Beneath salty watermarks of ecstasy
Lurks her boiling blood-lust
Wrapped in her mirror, dramatically
Containing all within her bust,
Pale faces greet her own reflection
Slowly rotting, breeding tradition
My own inward conscious mind
Seeks her happiness without restriction
Meticulously I seek to find
Emancipation from her own condition
For I myself, amidst solitude
Reflect in that very mirror, a harrowing view
Upon the waking eye, ever in pursuit
I reach to smash and break
This mirror concealing her fortitude
To release her-to awake
So drop the mirror, turn and face
Stay a while within my warm embrace
Always be there for Jason Lombard
When it rains, you don't see the sun, but its there. Hope we can be like that. We don't always see each other, but we will always be there for one another.
A TOUCH NEVER FELT
How can you ache and crave for someones touch
When you have never felt it?
I do this for yours, though,
And the yearning grows more each day
I have never wanted anything in my life
As much as I want you
When you whisper such sweet love
In my ear when we talk
You make me melt into a puddle
Of complete helplessness
You have become my every waking thought
And my every dream at night
I breathe in so hard
Trying to catch my breath when we can't talk
I close my eyes so tight
Hoping when I open them you will be there
But I know I have to wait
Until the time is right
It seems so far away
That I think I am losing my mind
I want to breathe in your scent
And keep it with me all day long
I want to taste your love for me
By kissing your sweet lips
I want to feel your body next to me
So when you leave for awhile I can hold on
I just want you to know
That I really do love you
When the day comes and we are together
You will always know and feel this
I will always hug, kiss and love you
Every moment of the day and night
You will never have another touch un-felt
Because of you
Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you.
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you.
In darkness
I’ve been in darkness for so long just waiting for the light,
And now that you have come my way, my days don’t seem like nights.
I’m glad I’m finally overcome my fear of the other side,
Thank you for showing me the way, by taking me on this ride.
I’ve never really felt this way about a guy before,
You’ve truly touched me deep inside, you’ve opened, unlocked, the door.
I know it’s nothing serious, but surely it’s a start,
You’ve treated me so equally, I feel it in my heart.
And even if this does not work, I’m glad I’ve had this chance,
To see how great you truly are, even just for a glance.
We never know what’ll come of this, it really just depends,
I’m glad we’re taking the first step, we’re becoming better friends.
With you I never have to guess just how you really feel,
You talk to me about the facts and tell me what’s the deal.
With you I feel so comfortable, like nothing can go wrong,
I get this tingly feeling inside, you sing to me like a song.
The fact that you are older, really did freak me out,
But you treat me like I’m your age, now I’m rid of all my doubts.
I’m trying to live in the moment, by forgetting about the past,
And so far it’s been working, and it’s really been a blast.
So hopefully from this day forth, I’ll know just what to do,
If ever I come across a guy, another guy like you.
And now that you have come my way, my days don’t seem like nights.
I’m glad I’m finally overcome my fear of the other side,
Thank you for showing me the way, by taking me on this ride.
I’ve never really felt this way about a guy before,
You’ve truly touched me deep inside, you’ve opened, unlocked, the door.
I know it’s nothing serious, but surely it’s a start,
You’ve treated me so equally, I feel it in my heart.
And even if this does not work, I’m glad I’ve had this chance,
To see how great you truly are, even just for a glance.
We never know what’ll come of this, it really just depends,
I’m glad we’re taking the first step, we’re becoming better friends.
With you I never have to guess just how you really feel,
You talk to me about the facts and tell me what’s the deal.
With you I feel so comfortable, like nothing can go wrong,
I get this tingly feeling inside, you sing to me like a song.
The fact that you are older, really did freak me out,
But you treat me like I’m your age, now I’m rid of all my doubts.
I’m trying to live in the moment, by forgetting about the past,
And so far it’s been working, and it’s really been a blast.
So hopefully from this day forth, I’ll know just what to do,
If ever I come across a guy, another guy like you.
BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART
Believe in your heart that something wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life.
Believe in your own powers,
and your own potential,
and in your own innate goodness.
Wake every morning
with the awe of just being alive.
Discover each day the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sun out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
all possibilities and Miracles.
Always believe in Miracles.
My last Goodbye (for Tim written 2003)
I was the first to say I love you ; I knew I'd be the last , never thought are memories would be something of the past, I've tried so hard and kept coming back to you, I had so many memories of little things you do.
One thing with you that kept me strong even though I new it was wrong
I always kept a heart full of hope, even through hurt and not being able to cope.
Yeah you did things wrong and hurt me bad, but I carried on because of the love I had. So now I've moved away from where I live, with all hope that I could try and forgive, I had no choice but to leave, you tell me things and make me believe, only to find out its just another lie- then I'm sad on my own with nothing to do but cry, you've hurt me physically/mentally and crush my emotions, so much so I've probably cried a ocean.
You've acted like my heart has a thousand pieces to break, for so long I've asked you just not to be fake, so now I'm gone an I hope your happy with your space,I'm gone & I'm sure you'll find someone who can replace. The day I left was the hardest thing for me to do - my body mind and soul was still In love with you, for me leaving you was so damn hard & for you- no real words, not even a card.
I sat on the train counting the hundreds of fields I passed, thinking I can't believe how far I've gone just to try be happy at last. I haven't got a regret not a single one, because at the end of "us" I tried all that could be done. I no you'll be fine meeting others, just hope you know for along time I'll be hurt and alone just me in my covers. Every morning I wake up feeling low, I can feel it hurt- a feeling you wouldn't know. Every bad memory engraved in my head, & now its got to the point I dread going to bed.
Right now my mind is on you it won't let me replace, because every time I close my eyes I still see your face. I know you'll never again feel the same, but for the last thing you do can stop with the blame, don't hate me because you did me wrong, I've stayed for 10 months I'm damaged & tired for trying for so long, I knew what you got up to and that's why your mad- but your memories of me should not all be bad, its not something I done or a game I won- it was just real eyes recognising real lies.
One day someone will love me like I loved you ,only difference is they will love me in the same way too, you had a good thing in front of you and you didn't have a clue. No longer will you touch me, kiss me, hold me or feel me, you've put a bruise on my heart and inside its killed me. You say things but then you don't show me the same , I feel like I've been used an all I am is a game. If I'm wrong and all what I've said you don't think is unfair then asked yourself why my memories are there.
I didn't get here alone I've wrote letters,texts,poems and god knows how many times I've called your phone. Everything I done I done because I care and I kept trying knowing your feelings weren't there. Valentines day the last one we shared you gave me a card, I read it earlier although it was hard, I sat on my bed and out loud read what the card it said " The most wonderful word Ive heard you say, is the day you walked up to me and said hello" I sat there and cried because I know now my last word will be goodbye.
Maybe one day I'll be ok an get there in the end and maybe one day I can be your friend but For now as far as I can see,I'll have front of being happy but inside sad,alone,and just Me - Forever hurt- Forever try- One tear- but a forever cry- My last words to you- My Last Goodbye
One thing with you that kept me strong even though I new it was wrong
I always kept a heart full of hope, even through hurt and not being able to cope.
Yeah you did things wrong and hurt me bad, but I carried on because of the love I had. So now I've moved away from where I live, with all hope that I could try and forgive, I had no choice but to leave, you tell me things and make me believe, only to find out its just another lie- then I'm sad on my own with nothing to do but cry, you've hurt me physically/mentally and crush my emotions, so much so I've probably cried a ocean.
You've acted like my heart has a thousand pieces to break, for so long I've asked you just not to be fake, so now I'm gone an I hope your happy with your space,I'm gone & I'm sure you'll find someone who can replace. The day I left was the hardest thing for me to do - my body mind and soul was still In love with you, for me leaving you was so damn hard & for you- no real words, not even a card.
I sat on the train counting the hundreds of fields I passed, thinking I can't believe how far I've gone just to try be happy at last. I haven't got a regret not a single one, because at the end of "us" I tried all that could be done. I no you'll be fine meeting others, just hope you know for along time I'll be hurt and alone just me in my covers. Every morning I wake up feeling low, I can feel it hurt- a feeling you wouldn't know. Every bad memory engraved in my head, & now its got to the point I dread going to bed.
Right now my mind is on you it won't let me replace, because every time I close my eyes I still see your face. I know you'll never again feel the same, but for the last thing you do can stop with the blame, don't hate me because you did me wrong, I've stayed for 10 months I'm damaged & tired for trying for so long, I knew what you got up to and that's why your mad- but your memories of me should not all be bad, its not something I done or a game I won- it was just real eyes recognising real lies.
One day someone will love me like I loved you ,only difference is they will love me in the same way too, you had a good thing in front of you and you didn't have a clue. No longer will you touch me, kiss me, hold me or feel me, you've put a bruise on my heart and inside its killed me. You say things but then you don't show me the same , I feel like I've been used an all I am is a game. If I'm wrong and all what I've said you don't think is unfair then asked yourself why my memories are there.
I didn't get here alone I've wrote letters,texts,poems and god knows how many times I've called your phone. Everything I done I done because I care and I kept trying knowing your feelings weren't there. Valentines day the last one we shared you gave me a card, I read it earlier although it was hard, I sat on my bed and out loud read what the card it said " The most wonderful word Ive heard you say, is the day you walked up to me and said hello" I sat there and cried because I know now my last word will be goodbye.
Maybe one day I'll be ok an get there in the end and maybe one day I can be your friend but For now as far as I can see,I'll have front of being happy but inside sad,alone,and just Me - Forever hurt- Forever try- One tear- but a forever cry- My last words to you- My Last Goodbye
To my other half (carnalita)
Even though she's gone
her memory still remains in our hearts.
Her smile and face will never fade.
We think of her as we go on each day.
The good times we remember
and the days spent together
will be in our memories forever.
So when you start to get down
and you really want to cry
just think of the fun times
and don't wonder why.
Just leave it at that
and know she's better now.
She's in a better place.
Her heart was right with God.
So Anna Marie we love you
and we miss you so much
but we know you're much happier.
So watch over us and make sure we're okay
and we will see you again someday.
her memory still remains in our hearts.
Her smile and face will never fade.
We think of her as we go on each day.
The good times we remember
and the days spent together
will be in our memories forever.
So when you start to get down
and you really want to cry
just think of the fun times
and don't wonder why.
Just leave it at that
and know she's better now.
She's in a better place.
Her heart was right with God.
So Anna Marie we love you
and we miss you so much
but we know you're much happier.
So watch over us and make sure we're okay
and we will see you again someday.
Everything (for Carnalita)
Just when I think I've lost my way
Something illuminates the dark
There you are leading the way
Love shining from your heart
Many friends have crossed my path
And I thank God for them all
But I got an extra special blessing
When your friendship answered my call
You stayed by my side every step
Even when others fled
I know that because you're here
I can face whatever's ahead
Your smile and laugh urge me on
And encourage me to be strong
Your loving support helps me stand
When the road is rough and long
So much that I can thank God for:
My family and health
But when He blessed me with you
He gave me more than wealth
Mortal words could never explain
What you have come to be
You are my life, my world, my heart
You are EVERYTHING to me
Something illuminates the dark
There you are leading the way
Love shining from your heart
Many friends have crossed my path
And I thank God for them all
But I got an extra special blessing
When your friendship answered my call
You stayed by my side every step
Even when others fled
I know that because you're here
I can face whatever's ahead
Your smile and laugh urge me on
And encourage me to be strong
Your loving support helps me stand
When the road is rough and long
So much that I can thank God for:
My family and health
But when He blessed me with you
He gave me more than wealth
Mortal words could never explain
What you have come to be
You are my life, my world, my heart
You are EVERYTHING to me
Memories (for Carnalita)
Memories of me and you
seem to last forever
we have been through so much
and always together
you were there when i fell in love
and when my heart was broken
through thick and thin we have been there for one another
every picture i see as i look through my album of memories,you are in
walking the streets at night and causing trouble in the park
what we have is a friendship that will last forever
all the secrets
all the laughter
all the gossip
all the tears
most of all,all the memories
of times i will hold so dear
of friendship that will never die
friend ship that will last forever through eternity
seem to last forever
we have been through so much
and always together
you were there when i fell in love
and when my heart was broken
through thick and thin we have been there for one another
every picture i see as i look through my album of memories,you are in
walking the streets at night and causing trouble in the park
what we have is a friendship that will last forever
all the secrets
all the laughter
all the gossip
all the tears
most of all,all the memories
of times i will hold so dear
of friendship that will never die
friend ship that will last forever through eternity
Goodbye my dearest friend (for Jeremy)
The hardest part of any friendship
is when it is time to say goodbye,
and even though I wished I could make you stay,
I know I got to let you spread your wings and fly.
For life is a journey that needs to be travelled
and I am certain you'd make it through,
I just want you to know and never forget
that I will surely miss you.
So follow your heart and never give up,
as dreams and wishes do come true,
for I know that someday we'll meet again,
so never forget I will be praying for you.
is when it is time to say goodbye,
and even though I wished I could make you stay,
I know I got to let you spread your wings and fly.
For life is a journey that needs to be travelled
and I am certain you'd make it through,
I just want you to know and never forget
that I will surely miss you.
So follow your heart and never give up,
as dreams and wishes do come true,
for I know that someday we'll meet again,
so never forget I will be praying for you.
Murder of Love (for Duke)
Murderer
I am hanging on to life support
And slowly I felt my pulse dropping
My heart began slowing down
I could feel the tears burning me internally
My tears precipitate like the rainfall
The tears welded up in my eyes,
Rolled down my cheek and landed on the floor
It sounded like gunshots in the distance
With this, I felt an unfamiliar spirit
It was death it was stalking me,
I began to breathe uncontrollably as I felt it grabbing me
In the most violent way possible,
I felt like life was seeping through me
I now knew what was meant by
Your life just flashed in front of you
In that moment that is what had happened
Just a few day ago me an my partner for life had the best days of our life
Laughing, smiling like little children and enjoying life
Five years, a long time and I didn’t know it ended until
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw myself standing in front of my body
It wasn’t the out of body experience I thought I had
But the resounding sound of the flat line going off
Confirmed my deepest fear.
I could hear faintly the Doctors calling out my name
I watched then my already limp body looking tear stricken and my face swollen
I looked pale and peaceful,
Did I just experience death?
How am I going to face the judgment seat?
What was I about to say about my life?
Was I going to confess to whom have murdered me?
Sin is Sin but Could I ever forgive the most unforgivable sin
The murder of Love!
I am hanging on to life support
And slowly I felt my pulse dropping
My heart began slowing down
I could feel the tears burning me internally
My tears precipitate like the rainfall
The tears welded up in my eyes,
Rolled down my cheek and landed on the floor
It sounded like gunshots in the distance
With this, I felt an unfamiliar spirit
It was death it was stalking me,
I began to breathe uncontrollably as I felt it grabbing me
In the most violent way possible,
I felt like life was seeping through me
I now knew what was meant by
Your life just flashed in front of you
In that moment that is what had happened
Just a few day ago me an my partner for life had the best days of our life
Laughing, smiling like little children and enjoying life
Five years, a long time and I didn’t know it ended until
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw myself standing in front of my body
It wasn’t the out of body experience I thought I had
But the resounding sound of the flat line going off
Confirmed my deepest fear.
I could hear faintly the Doctors calling out my name
I watched then my already limp body looking tear stricken and my face swollen
I looked pale and peaceful,
Did I just experience death?
How am I going to face the judgment seat?
What was I about to say about my life?
Was I going to confess to whom have murdered me?
Sin is Sin but Could I ever forgive the most unforgivable sin
The murder of Love!
Betrayal (for Brian)
I thought you would never leave me
I thought you would never lie,
I wish I could just die.
How could you play me this way?
Why would you not tell me instead?
You should had set me free and just let me be!
How could you live with yourself?
How could you look at her face and tell her that you love her?
when you know you should of just told her.
Why drag me along, when you know you were wrong?
You told me you loved me, you told me that you cared.
I believed you because I was scared.
Afraid to loose my lover, not knowing it was all over.
Where was she all this time, when I was sure you were mine?
You promised her eternity, but you could not give me an alternative.
Why would you mark me this way,
you have left a stain that shames my last name.
Because my love for you was so strong.
I thought I could never hate you but I guess I was wrong,
All I can do now is sit and analyze
And hope one day you would realize.
That I did not deserve this and you should have told me.
Today I move on with a heart made of stone,
All I can say I wish I had known.
I thought you would never lie,
I wish I could just die.
How could you play me this way?
Why would you not tell me instead?
You should had set me free and just let me be!
How could you live with yourself?
How could you look at her face and tell her that you love her?
when you know you should of just told her.
Why drag me along, when you know you were wrong?
You told me you loved me, you told me that you cared.
I believed you because I was scared.
Afraid to loose my lover, not knowing it was all over.
Where was she all this time, when I was sure you were mine?
You promised her eternity, but you could not give me an alternative.
Why would you mark me this way,
you have left a stain that shames my last name.
Because my love for you was so strong.
I thought I could never hate you but I guess I was wrong,
All I can do now is sit and analyze
And hope one day you would realize.
That I did not deserve this and you should have told me.
Today I move on with a heart made of stone,
All I can say I wish I had known.
How can I forget? (for Brian)
That very first day that we met--
Its a feeling I'll never forget.
All the experiences that we've shared,
I knew right away that you were rare.
You see, it's hard to find a someone like you,
Usually they're too good to be true.
Though I should've entered with more ration,
But with you I felt so much passion.
I wish those things had never happened.
It feels as though my love's been abandoned.
All I wanted was to make you happy,
So why is it that I have to feel so crappy?
I want nothing more than for us to move on,
But it's so hard now that the trust is gone.
I want to get past this, I really do...
What can I do to make you be true?
My love for you is like an undying flame.
And I once wished for our love to remain.
Do you remember that day, the day that it snowed?
Its the day that I wished for our love to grow.
You hurt me that night, you need to know that you did.
And I need you to know that I can forgive.
But I'm really struggling with trying to forget,
Because I still feel the same as that first day we met.
Its a feeling I'll never forget.
All the experiences that we've shared,
I knew right away that you were rare.
You see, it's hard to find a someone like you,
Usually they're too good to be true.
Though I should've entered with more ration,
But with you I felt so much passion.
I wish those things had never happened.
It feels as though my love's been abandoned.
All I wanted was to make you happy,
So why is it that I have to feel so crappy?
I want nothing more than for us to move on,
But it's so hard now that the trust is gone.
I want to get past this, I really do...
What can I do to make you be true?
My love for you is like an undying flame.
And I once wished for our love to remain.
Do you remember that day, the day that it snowed?
Its the day that I wished for our love to grow.
You hurt me that night, you need to know that you did.
And I need you to know that I can forgive.
But I'm really struggling with trying to forget,
Because I still feel the same as that first day we met.
Never Again (for Tim)
I want to tell you all my secrets,
what lays beneath these brown eyes
If I were to tell you,
for me you would despise
For I know things no person should know
For I do things that should lay buried beneath snow.
I hate having to look at you with such coldness,
because I know it will leave only bitterness.
When I speak to you about my feelings you push me away,
you don't know and realize you do,
but oh it hurts and I want you to hurt to.
My attitude reflexes only me
Shall I carry on an attitude, look, just let me be,
leave it alone let the matter be,
because the reason I have an attitude is because I'm tired of being me.
For when I speak to you
I want you to feel the coldness of my heart too.
You don't and may not realize that this poem is dedicated to you,
Really its only a stress reliever,
for the pain you should feel to I hate you so much,
why I don't know
Honestly my love, its maybe frustration and pain that is time for me to let go.
When you tell me to do something that seems like it is only in your interest,
you push me further away from doing it,
because its just seems pointless.
Just please leave me alone,
don't talk to me because honestly,
never again shall I speak.
what lays beneath these brown eyes
If I were to tell you,
for me you would despise
For I know things no person should know
For I do things that should lay buried beneath snow.
I hate having to look at you with such coldness,
because I know it will leave only bitterness.
When I speak to you about my feelings you push me away,
you don't know and realize you do,
but oh it hurts and I want you to hurt to.
My attitude reflexes only me
Shall I carry on an attitude, look, just let me be,
leave it alone let the matter be,
because the reason I have an attitude is because I'm tired of being me.
For when I speak to you
I want you to feel the coldness of my heart too.
You don't and may not realize that this poem is dedicated to you,
Really its only a stress reliever,
for the pain you should feel to I hate you so much,
why I don't know
Honestly my love, its maybe frustration and pain that is time for me to let go.
When you tell me to do something that seems like it is only in your interest,
you push me further away from doing it,
because its just seems pointless.
Just please leave me alone,
don't talk to me because honestly,
never again shall I speak.
Anymore (for Mr. B)
I waited on your kiss,
your warm embrace;
I waited on your lips and the way your hands twist.
I waited on your excuse,
I waited on your apology,
I waited on your eyes to look into mine,
but guess what. . . . .
I'm not waiting anymore,
I'm over you,
I'm through with you,
I don’t want you nor do I need you,
I have a line of guys waiting to replace you.
Don’t be fooled baby love,
I'm not waiting on you,
now I'm waiting to choose the next guy that will replace you,
don’t get me wrong I am not angry at you,
I’m not holding a grudge against you,
I just don’t like you.
So I am not waiting anymore,
I'm not waiting on your kiss,
I'm not waiting on your lips,
I'm not waiting on your hands to twist,
boy please I'm not waiting anymore.
your warm embrace;
I waited on your lips and the way your hands twist.
I waited on your excuse,
I waited on your apology,
I waited on your eyes to look into mine,
but guess what. . . . .
I'm not waiting anymore,
I'm over you,
I'm through with you,
I don’t want you nor do I need you,
I have a line of guys waiting to replace you.
Don’t be fooled baby love,
I'm not waiting on you,
now I'm waiting to choose the next guy that will replace you,
don’t get me wrong I am not angry at you,
I’m not holding a grudge against you,
I just don’t like you.
So I am not waiting anymore,
I'm not waiting on your kiss,
I'm not waiting on your lips,
I'm not waiting on your hands to twist,
boy please I'm not waiting anymore.
What happened to that? (for Russ)
Every time I look at him I see your face.
It turns my stomach just thinking of how much I miss you and why.
you treated me so badly.
Only God knows why I still have feelings for you.
I love you and I was waiting for that special day to hear you say I Do,
What happened to that?
We were supposed to run off into the sunset together.
I guess fairy tales don't exist.
What the hell was I thinking?
The thought of you being with someone else,
treating them better than you did disgusts me.
Why are they so different?
Blog Change of Plans for this month
So I was writing about friendships this month... well, that is changing now because some people I called friends are no longer my friends and I have been cleaning house. So I figured I would post some poems now about bad friends or loves gone wrong.
The names of those are not used but initials... personally I dont care if you figure out who its about. I see it this way, freedom of speech.
Gina
The names of those are not used but initials... personally I dont care if you figure out who its about. I see it this way, freedom of speech.
Gina
Always There (for Anna)
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
You were always there.
My eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with pain, and
You were always there.
There was no time when I had doubt
to come to you because
You were always there.
I could see in your eyes you wanted to help, and that you really cared.
Whenever I was down and blue
You were always there.
No matter my problems, are what was wrong
You were always there.
Whenever I felt like nothing matters
You were always there.
Now your gone, and I don't know what to do
I close my eyes and think of you, and how
You were always there.
It's hard to look at the pictures, and get memories of you
Can you hear me now
At night I pray, and I speak to you
I guess you were right when you told me no matter how far you were
You would always be there.
I know one day I'll see you again, but till then I have to say goodbye
Even though it hurts to hear your name, and speak of you
One thing I will always say is
You were always there.
You were always there.
My eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with pain, and
You were always there.
There was no time when I had doubt
to come to you because
You were always there.
I could see in your eyes you wanted to help, and that you really cared.
Whenever I was down and blue
You were always there.
No matter my problems, are what was wrong
You were always there.
Whenever I felt like nothing matters
You were always there.
Now your gone, and I don't know what to do
I close my eyes and think of you, and how
You were always there.
It's hard to look at the pictures, and get memories of you
Can you hear me now
At night I pray, and I speak to you
I guess you were right when you told me no matter how far you were
You would always be there.
I know one day I'll see you again, but till then I have to say goodbye
Even though it hurts to hear your name, and speak of you
One thing I will always say is
You were always there.
Could you be the one for me? (for Mr. B)
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be my find?
Could it be, after all this time,
Fate is going to be kind?
Could you be the one for me,
The one to help me forget
The man that broke my heart, my soul
The man that haunts me yet?
You tell me that I'm beautiful
Something I've never heard
But the one still lives here in my mind
That couldn't spare a kind word
It's going to be hard to forget
And pick up the pieces he left
Could you be the one to teach
How to love again and forget?
Could you be the one to come
And mend my broken heart?
Are you willing to piece together
What another broke apart?
It won't be an easy job, you see
My road has been long and rough
And the heart that was once so soft
Is now shut, locked, and tough
But I can feel my heart open again
It's opening for you
Just come in, and love me back
That's all you have to do
I must ask you one small thing
Before we kiss and part
Please be nice and kind to me
I'm tired of broken hearts
Could you be my find?
Could it be, after all this time,
Fate is going to be kind?
Could you be the one for me,
The one to help me forget
The man that broke my heart, my soul
The man that haunts me yet?
You tell me that I'm beautiful
Something I've never heard
But the one still lives here in my mind
That couldn't spare a kind word
It's going to be hard to forget
And pick up the pieces he left
Could you be the one to teach
How to love again and forget?
Could you be the one to come
And mend my broken heart?
Are you willing to piece together
What another broke apart?
It won't be an easy job, you see
My road has been long and rough
And the heart that was once so soft
Is now shut, locked, and tough
But I can feel my heart open again
It's opening for you
Just come in, and love me back
That's all you have to do
I must ask you one small thing
Before we kiss and part
Please be nice and kind to me
I'm tired of broken hearts
My Special Friend (for Mr. B)
Sometimes I feel sad and sometimes I feel blue
but whenever I see you, I'm as happy as can be
for you bring a smile upon my face
and a feeling of joy within my heart
you're like my sunshine in the morning
and my stars that glow at night
you're like the waves in the ocean
the cool breeze in the wind
like the call of the birds in the morning dew
like the sounds of beauty in the night
you see all of these things are of beauty and love
that's how I feel whenever you are near
for it was the passion and desire from both of us
that opened up the world for our eyes to see
for our love of each other will grow and grow
and our needs and desires will be more everyday
for a friend you once were and will always be
has turned into love as it should have been
so I want you to know as a friend and lover
that in my heart and arms you'll always stay
for our love for each other will never fade.
but whenever I see you, I'm as happy as can be
for you bring a smile upon my face
and a feeling of joy within my heart
you're like my sunshine in the morning
and my stars that glow at night
you're like the waves in the ocean
the cool breeze in the wind
like the call of the birds in the morning dew
like the sounds of beauty in the night
you see all of these things are of beauty and love
that's how I feel whenever you are near
for it was the passion and desire from both of us
that opened up the world for our eyes to see
for our love of each other will grow and grow
and our needs and desires will be more everyday
for a friend you once were and will always be
has turned into love as it should have been
so I want you to know as a friend and lover
that in my heart and arms you'll always stay
for our love for each other will never fade.
Better Untouched (for Mr. B)
And a smile grows in my face.
Just to remember the times,
When he could've been mine.
As he gives me a hug,
While he puts his arms around me.
I remember what I would've gave
To only have a chance with him.
But now I see him,
In a different light.
Yes, he still means the world to me,
But now its a different way.
His friendship means a lot to me,
Although we never had much anything else.
Now I see why God doesn't answer all prayers,
Because some things are left better untouched.
Just to remember the times,
When he could've been mine.
As he gives me a hug,
While he puts his arms around me.
I remember what I would've gave
To only have a chance with him.
But now I see him,
In a different light.
Yes, he still means the world to me,
But now its a different way.
His friendship means a lot to me,
Although we never had much anything else.
Now I see why God doesn't answer all prayers,
Because some things are left better untouched.
Your thoughts on me (for Brian written in 2007)
I think of you often
Do you think of me?
So sweet, so kind,
Do I even cross your mind?
I know your face in my mind,
I know your voice in my ears,
I think I know you,
Even through these years.
Are you my friend?
Are you my love?
That couldn't be,
You don't even see me.
I cry myself to sleep,
Every night my mind wanders,
If you're not the first thing,
You're the second thing on mind.
My eyes see you,
My heart aches,
For a love I assume,
Will someday bloom.
Who said friends could be lovers?
What were they thinking?
My love life, sinking or swimming?
It's sinking.
I am scared
I am afraid
My life right now
Is one big show.
Episode after episode,
Re- run after re- run
Why do I love you?
Let me show you.
When you are around me
So is the thought of her
I wish deeply
You weren't with she.
I have respect for a couple
What they share is beautiful
But what about the little people?
Whom you don't even see?
When you are my friend
I am yours
Your company completes me
Whenever you take the time.
To tell you the words
The three "easy" ones
I have to say,
And hard in a way.
Will you be calm?
Will you hate me after?
Will you be my friend?
Or will everything end?
With love, there's lust,
I lust for you,
I love you.
As for your thoughts on me?
Do you think of me?
So sweet, so kind,
Do I even cross your mind?
I know your face in my mind,
I know your voice in my ears,
I think I know you,
Even through these years.
Are you my friend?
Are you my love?
That couldn't be,
You don't even see me.
I cry myself to sleep,
Every night my mind wanders,
If you're not the first thing,
You're the second thing on mind.
My eyes see you,
My heart aches,
For a love I assume,
Will someday bloom.
Who said friends could be lovers?
What were they thinking?
My love life, sinking or swimming?
It's sinking.
I am scared
I am afraid
My life right now
Is one big show.
Episode after episode,
Re- run after re- run
Why do I love you?
Let me show you.
When you are around me
So is the thought of her
I wish deeply
You weren't with she.
I have respect for a couple
What they share is beautiful
But what about the little people?
Whom you don't even see?
When you are my friend
I am yours
Your company completes me
Whenever you take the time.
To tell you the words
The three "easy" ones
I have to say,
And hard in a way.
Will you be calm?
Will you hate me after?
Will you be my friend?
Or will everything end?
With love, there's lust,
I lust for you,
I love you.
As for your thoughts on me?
Forbidden Pleasures... ~*~
Forbidden pleasures
Who makes the rules
Unfound treasures
And beautiful jewels
Can that line be crossed
What could we truly be
And at what cost
Do you see what I see
I know there is more there
Waiting to be found
Can you feel how much I care
I feel like I'm being drowned
If you knew the amount of desire
That I feel for you
My burning fire
That wants one to become two
Forbidden pleasures
Who makes the rules
Unfound treasures
And beautiful jewels
Forgive Me
To the ends of time I will love you my friend
Knowing that you're gone leaves me a bend
An angle to me you were so kind
Raising my sprits with ways I can not find
Over and over the days with you replayed
Loving you so much wished you would have stayed
I crossed a line which I know not fit
Now each day I die a little bit
An empty void replaces what I feel
Growing sadder and sadder, will I ever heal
From the feeling of love I felt for a friend
Knowing that you're gone leaves me a bend
An angle to me you were so kind
Raising my sprits with ways I can not find
Over and over the days with you replayed
Loving you so much wished you would have stayed
I crossed a line which I know not fit
Now each day I die a little bit
An empty void replaces what I feel
Growing sadder and sadder, will I ever heal
From the feeling of love I felt for a friend
Can you see it in my eyes? (for Tim)
You don't know how I'm feeling.
I have yet to vocalize
Desire deep inside me.
Can you see it in my eyes?
I tremble when I'm near you
Heat travels up my thighs
and I want you with an urgency
That I just can't describe.
Dare I reach out to touch you?
Do you think you'd realize
How much I want and need you?
Can you see it in my eyes?
I long to say, "I love you,"
But am scared of your reply.
Terrified like a child
I've become paralyzed.
The camouflaged emotions
Lead to pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you.
Don't you see it in my eyes?
Confessing through this poem
My dilemma summarized.
The feeling's quite cathartic,
But will lead to my demise.
I have yet to vocalize
Desire deep inside me.
Can you see it in my eyes?
I tremble when I'm near you
Heat travels up my thighs
and I want you with an urgency
That I just can't describe.
Dare I reach out to touch you?
Do you think you'd realize
How much I want and need you?
Can you see it in my eyes?
I long to say, "I love you,"
But am scared of your reply.
Terrified like a child
I've become paralyzed.
The camouflaged emotions
Lead to pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you.
Don't you see it in my eyes?
Confessing through this poem
My dilemma summarized.
The feeling's quite cathartic,
But will lead to my demise.
My Light
You know my most intimate mind
My vulnerable side
My gratitude
I cannot hide
Embracing
My secrets to confide
In you
And I can't deny
The change in me
You are a guarantee
To the highest degree
And I am forever grateful
I am forever blessed
With the comfort you suggest
You've always
Given me your best
I recall
Above all
When I first saw you
I knew
You were working
Consumed by walls of white
Yet you were
Uniquely bright
Sometimes...
Watching the way
You sit and ponder
Laughing as a silly thought
Enters you
Your smile explodes
and takes flight
Landing on me
And I catch it
Beautiful
Lucent
Pure
Secure
My cure...
... you are
My vulnerable side
My gratitude
I cannot hide
Embracing
My secrets to confide
In you
And I can't deny
The change in me
You are a guarantee
To the highest degree
And I am forever grateful
I am forever blessed
With the comfort you suggest
You've always
Given me your best
I recall
Above all
When I first saw you
I knew
You were working
Consumed by walls of white
Yet you were
Uniquely bright
Sometimes...
Watching the way
You sit and ponder
Laughing as a silly thought
Enters you
Your smile explodes
and takes flight
Landing on me
And I catch it
Beautiful
Lucent
Pure
Secure
My cure...
... you are
My Angel (for Anna)
Today I sit underneath this tree, Next to this very stone!
I've been coming here for 1.5 years, All of which I’ve been alone!
I can still make out the writing, that lies above your grave!
In Loving Memory Of An Angel, and the blessings that she gave!
We met so long ago, Since then you've been my one and only true Best Friend!
I remember every second, Up until the very end!
I remember when I woke, Not knowing what to do!
The very first thing that came to my mind, was not myself but you!
You laid there just looking at me, as if it was your final glance!
I grabbed your hand, looked to the sky, and said, Please One More Chance.
I remember the day of the funeral, All of our family and friends!
I remember when the preacher said, When one life ends, a new begins!
Before they put you in this ground, I walked over to see you one last time!
I kissed your lips and held your hand, and One More Chance went through my mind!
I asked God Why not me, Why you, and what I did so wrong?
He said everything has purpose, And that life must be lived on!
So I live it on this very moment, Always remembering the day!
That God sent me My Angel, And then took her away!
You're There
You're always there
Whether Im happy or sad
You help me
To feel better when I'm mad
You cheer me up
When I feel blue
And you make me
Fresh and feeling new
I hope we never seperate
For I can't stop the pain
The misery of thinking
I might go insane
Whether Im happy or sad
You help me
To feel better when I'm mad
You cheer me up
When I feel blue
And you make me
Fresh and feeling new
I hope we never seperate
For I can't stop the pain
The misery of thinking
I might go insane
Did you know? (for Skot)
Had I Known
I would have loved you then.
Had I known,
I would have asked less questions...
Followed my heart a little more.
Had I known one day you'd be gone,
and I couldn't show you anymore.
I'd have lived each moment as if it were the last.
Remember every word... not let time go by so fast.
But I was wrapped in my own image,
afraid to let it show,
But now I wish I loved you.
Why couldn't I know that you would leave me,
and I'd be caught in the past.
In the moments I could have changed,
the times that were your last.
I would have lived a lifetime in a few short days.
Instead I have a few brief moments,
that I let my heart show.
Memories of a love that I refused to know,
until it was almost too late.
Then it was over, and I was all alone.
In a daze, I wonder......
Did you know I loved you all along?
I would have loved you then.
Had I known,
I would have asked less questions...
Followed my heart a little more.
Had I known one day you'd be gone,
and I couldn't show you anymore.
I'd have lived each moment as if it were the last.
Remember every word... not let time go by so fast.
But I was wrapped in my own image,
afraid to let it show,
But now I wish I loved you.
Why couldn't I know that you would leave me,
and I'd be caught in the past.
In the moments I could have changed,
the times that were your last.
I would have lived a lifetime in a few short days.
Instead I have a few brief moments,
that I let my heart show.
Memories of a love that I refused to know,
until it was almost too late.
Then it was over, and I was all alone.
In a daze, I wonder......
Did you know I loved you all along?
No Hurt (for Skot)
The pain
Drips from my heart
Bleeds into my chest cavity
Filling the emptiness
With viscous liquid
That slows me down
Enveloping me.
Open heart surgery
Cut savagely
At the flesh
Tear back the flaps
Rip out the organ
That rots inside
Sew the skin
Over the gaping hole
Patched not mended.
No heart.
No hurt.
Drips from my heart
Bleeds into my chest cavity
Filling the emptiness
With viscous liquid
That slows me down
Enveloping me.
Open heart surgery
Cut savagely
At the flesh
Tear back the flaps
Rip out the organ
That rots inside
Sew the skin
Over the gaping hole
Patched not mended.
No heart.
No hurt.
I'm Naked for Skot
Inside my clothes I am naked.
Walking around with my
Body rubbing against them
I feel sexy
Feel the throb of your penis
Deep within me
Gasp at the pleasure
This brings me.
Inside my clothes I am naked.
Walking around with my
Body rubbing against them
I feel sexy
Feel the throb of your penis
Deep within me
Gasp at the pleasure
This brings me.
Inside my clothes I am naked.
Ecstasy for Skot
I lean towards you
Your lips seek mine out
Close my eyes
As the taste of passion
Seeps from your mouth
Ecstasy.
Monotony for Anna
I look at the grey day
Green leaves on the trees
Hear the cars passing in the street
Listen to the silence in the house
Her face appears in my minds eye
Briefly
And is gone
Every day is like this
A thought fleeting through the monotony.
Green leaves on the trees
Hear the cars passing in the street
Listen to the silence in the house
Her face appears in my minds eye
Briefly
And is gone
Every day is like this
A thought fleeting through the monotony.
Ache... my dream ~*~
I ache
With desire for you.
I lay belly up
You penetrated me.
I moved against you
Wth you, on you.
My eyes rolled back
My insides in flames
I roused you.
I excited you.
I wanted you.
Again and again and again.
You kissed me
I kissed you back.
There was tenderness.
There was passion.
There was lust.
There was everything.
I feel the trace of you now.
A faint hint of the feeling
That was there.
I long for it again.
My inner body screams for it.
I ache with desire for you.
With desire for you.
I lay belly up
You penetrated me.
I moved against you
Wth you, on you.
My eyes rolled back
My insides in flames
I roused you.
I excited you.
I wanted you.
Again and again and again.
You kissed me
I kissed you back.
There was tenderness.
There was passion.
There was lust.
There was everything.
I feel the trace of you now.
A faint hint of the feeling
That was there.
I long for it again.
My inner body screams for it.
I ache with desire for you.
Gona for Anna
She was i'll
I thought
She could get better
But she didn't.
She died
I tried not
To think that she would
But she did.
She is gone
I try to
Remember how she was
But I can't.
I thought
She could get better
But she didn't.
She died
I tried not
To think that she would
But she did.
She is gone
I try to
Remember how she was
But I can't.
Remember for Anna
I remember the wound
I remember her confusion
I remember her lying dying in bed
I remember the blood pressure line sinking
I remember her dead
I remember her body with the blood settling
I remember the coffin with roses
I wish I could remember her & have her not slip away.
I remember her confusion
I remember her lying dying in bed
I remember the blood pressure line sinking
I remember her dead
I remember her body with the blood settling
I remember the coffin with roses
I wish I could remember her & have her not slip away.
Empty for Anna
I am alone
I am lonely.
I am silent
But screaming inside.
I am frustrated
There is a knot in my chest.
My eyes are dry
My heart is weeping.
I am sighing
My head is heavy.
I laugh
But do not mean it.
I am lonely.
I am silent
But screaming inside.
I am frustrated
There is a knot in my chest.
My eyes are dry
My heart is weeping.
I am sighing
My head is heavy.
I laugh
But do not mean it.
Waiting for Anna
I am waiting
Waiting for you to return.
I wait for you to
Open the front door
And this dead time
Will disappear.
The truth is hard to bear.
I can't believe
You won't come back.
I am waiting
For you to return.
Even though
I have your ashes.
Waiting for you to return.
I wait for you to
Open the front door
And this dead time
Will disappear.
The truth is hard to bear.
I can't believe
You won't come back.
I am waiting
For you to return.
Even though
I have your ashes.
Last Breath for Anna
I watch her breathe her last breath
And life slips away
The effort of the struggle to live
Shows on the waxy mask of death
That her face has become
There is a hole in my heart
That nothing will heal.
Cannot Save You (letter)
I can watch you on the water, struggling to breathe, reaching for the safety of the shore.
And I cannot save you.
I can reach for you and try to pull you in, but you must reach back and help me.
I can throw you a life preserver to keep you from sinking, but this will only work for awhile. You must still swim to shore and save yourself.
While I stand on the shore and watch you drowning, floundering, struggling to survive—gasping for air and calling out my name—I know that I cannot jump in and save you. For you would only pull me down into the water with you—and neither of us would make it to the safety of the shore.
And yet, I struggle with that decision—for surely, if you do not make it to safety, if the water overcomes you and I watch you go down one more time—and this time you do not rise—I know that I would not want to live my life knowing that I could not save you, that there would be times I would wish I had gone down in that water with you, sacrificed myself, yet neither of us would be saved.
I can save myself. I can choose not to jump into that water.
But I cannot save you.
When you first jumped into the water, I watched you, and you splashed around laughing and floating on your back. I laughed with you, standing on the shore, splashing water in your face. But then you dove deeper and swam farther into the water…and the laughter stopped. It was not fun anymore. I stood on the shore, calling back to you, begging you to come back to the safety of the shore.
And you did swim closer. Sometimes you would come close enough that we could splash and laugh again and it was fun again—but you would not get out of the water…you would not come and stand on the shore with me. You said you liked the warm feel of the water on your skin—you liked the free feeling of floating weightlessly. So you would come close to me, but would never come stand with me.
And as I watched you playing in the water, each time you swam out farther and dove deeper than the time before, and then you swam so far away from where I stood that I could hardly recognize you anymore… I could hear that you were calling to me, but I could not understand what you were saying from so far away. I called back, but you could not hear me any better than I could hear you.
And you began to struggle. You began to flail and wave violently against the waves that were now overcoming you.
And I cannot save you.
I reached out my arms for you, but you did not reach back for me.
Now you are so far out that I can barely even see you.
I threw you every life preserver that I could find—even borrowing from people the things that they had that might save you. But you just used them temporarily and then cast them away. Sometimes it seemed you did not want to be saved.
I asked people to help me and, while their intentions were good, all they could do was stand on the shore with me and support me while I watched you drowning. They reached for you too, they helped me reach for you—they listened to me cry because I knew you were drowning. I was going to lose you—they even offered me advice on how to save you.
But I cannot save you.
The only thing that I can do is stand on this shore until there is nothing left of you—to stand here and watch you and hope and pray that one day you will swim back in and reach out for my hand and you can once again stand on the safety of the shore with me.
But for now, all I can do is watch you drowning—and pray for you—and wait for you.
I cannot see you anymore. The night has grown dark and the water has grown cold and the waves are crashing all around my feet—and I cannot see you anymore. But I know you are still out there, drowning, reaching for a breath and going back under again and again. I can feel you out there, struggling to survive—and I feel guilty standing here safe on the shore—what right do I have to stand here so safely when you are fighting for your life?
But I cannot save you.
All I can do is stand here. All I can do is wait.
Maybe one day when the sun rises high above the water, and the water is once again warm, and the waves are no longer crashing at my feet—perhaps then I will look out on the water and will see that you are gone. I will never know if you found a way to cross to the other side, saved yourself—or if somewhere in the dark of the night you succumbed to the waves.
Perhaps on that day, when I can no longer feel you, I will walk away from this shore and move on with my life.
But for now, I will stand here, and I will watch for you, and reach for you, and throw you anything I can to help pull you out of the water.
But I cannot save you.
And I cannot save you.
I can reach for you and try to pull you in, but you must reach back and help me.
I can throw you a life preserver to keep you from sinking, but this will only work for awhile. You must still swim to shore and save yourself.
While I stand on the shore and watch you drowning, floundering, struggling to survive—gasping for air and calling out my name—I know that I cannot jump in and save you. For you would only pull me down into the water with you—and neither of us would make it to the safety of the shore.
And yet, I struggle with that decision—for surely, if you do not make it to safety, if the water overcomes you and I watch you go down one more time—and this time you do not rise—I know that I would not want to live my life knowing that I could not save you, that there would be times I would wish I had gone down in that water with you, sacrificed myself, yet neither of us would be saved.
I can save myself. I can choose not to jump into that water.
But I cannot save you.
When you first jumped into the water, I watched you, and you splashed around laughing and floating on your back. I laughed with you, standing on the shore, splashing water in your face. But then you dove deeper and swam farther into the water…and the laughter stopped. It was not fun anymore. I stood on the shore, calling back to you, begging you to come back to the safety of the shore.
And you did swim closer. Sometimes you would come close enough that we could splash and laugh again and it was fun again—but you would not get out of the water…you would not come and stand on the shore with me. You said you liked the warm feel of the water on your skin—you liked the free feeling of floating weightlessly. So you would come close to me, but would never come stand with me.
And as I watched you playing in the water, each time you swam out farther and dove deeper than the time before, and then you swam so far away from where I stood that I could hardly recognize you anymore… I could hear that you were calling to me, but I could not understand what you were saying from so far away. I called back, but you could not hear me any better than I could hear you.
And you began to struggle. You began to flail and wave violently against the waves that were now overcoming you.
And I cannot save you.
I reached out my arms for you, but you did not reach back for me.
Now you are so far out that I can barely even see you.
I threw you every life preserver that I could find—even borrowing from people the things that they had that might save you. But you just used them temporarily and then cast them away. Sometimes it seemed you did not want to be saved.
I asked people to help me and, while their intentions were good, all they could do was stand on the shore with me and support me while I watched you drowning. They reached for you too, they helped me reach for you—they listened to me cry because I knew you were drowning. I was going to lose you—they even offered me advice on how to save you.
But I cannot save you.
The only thing that I can do is stand on this shore until there is nothing left of you—to stand here and watch you and hope and pray that one day you will swim back in and reach out for my hand and you can once again stand on the safety of the shore with me.
But for now, all I can do is watch you drowning—and pray for you—and wait for you.
I cannot see you anymore. The night has grown dark and the water has grown cold and the waves are crashing all around my feet—and I cannot see you anymore. But I know you are still out there, drowning, reaching for a breath and going back under again and again. I can feel you out there, struggling to survive—and I feel guilty standing here safe on the shore—what right do I have to stand here so safely when you are fighting for your life?
But I cannot save you.
All I can do is stand here. All I can do is wait.
Maybe one day when the sun rises high above the water, and the water is once again warm, and the waves are no longer crashing at my feet—perhaps then I will look out on the water and will see that you are gone. I will never know if you found a way to cross to the other side, saved yourself—or if somewhere in the dark of the night you succumbed to the waves.
Perhaps on that day, when I can no longer feel you, I will walk away from this shore and move on with my life.
But for now, I will stand here, and I will watch for you, and reach for you, and throw you anything I can to help pull you out of the water.
But I cannot save you.
Now I know (letter)
In this world, I thought I was smart, learned, educated… I had been through hell, been to heaven, and everywhere in between…
so much I had experienced, so much I thought I knew.
And then there was you.
I learned from you that as much as I thought I knew, I had only begun to understand and know the world around me. I never knew the sky could be quite so blue or a sunset so beautiful as when I watched it through your eyes, watching me.
I never knew what family really meant.
I never knew the comfort of complete, unconditional acceptance.
I never knew that friendship didn’t have to take a backseat to passion.
I never knew passion didn’t have to take a backseat to friendship.
I never knew true friendship.
I never knew true passion.
I never knew love.
No, I mean real love.
I never knew freedom. Freedom to be myself.
Safety.
Security.
I never knew I was beautiful.
I never knew I was worthy.
I never knew how humble I was until you were proud of me.
I never knew me.
To think that I could have lived my entire life without you, thinking I knew so much, when all I ever needed was to know you in order to know everything.
You are every romantic cliche ever written and every love song ever sung. Your name is whispered in every line of every piece of poetry I read and write. Where once I only wrote the words, where once I could only sometimes feel them, now I live the words I write, with passion…
…and understanding.
I never knew I was alive until you taught me how to live. I never knew how much I had, until you showed me how to give.
I never knew…
… and then there was you.
And now I know.
so much I had experienced, so much I thought I knew.
And then there was you.
I learned from you that as much as I thought I knew, I had only begun to understand and know the world around me. I never knew the sky could be quite so blue or a sunset so beautiful as when I watched it through your eyes, watching me.
I never knew what family really meant.
I never knew the comfort of complete, unconditional acceptance.
I never knew that friendship didn’t have to take a backseat to passion.
I never knew passion didn’t have to take a backseat to friendship.
I never knew true friendship.
I never knew true passion.
I never knew love.
No, I mean real love.
I never knew freedom. Freedom to be myself.
Safety.
Security.
I never knew I was beautiful.
I never knew I was worthy.
I never knew how humble I was until you were proud of me.
I never knew me.
To think that I could have lived my entire life without you, thinking I knew so much, when all I ever needed was to know you in order to know everything.
You are every romantic cliche ever written and every love song ever sung. Your name is whispered in every line of every piece of poetry I read and write. Where once I only wrote the words, where once I could only sometimes feel them, now I live the words I write, with passion…
…and understanding.
I never knew I was alive until you taught me how to live. I never knew how much I had, until you showed me how to give.
I never knew…
… and then there was you.
And now I know.
My dearest love (letter)
Once again, you came to me with open arms. The air was warm, as was your hand that caressed my face – your fingers that gently traced my lips. It was so good to see you when, after all this time I thought, that you had forgotten about the love we shared and held in our hearts so deeply.
I hate it when I open my eyes and find that you’re not here anymore. After all these months, you’d think I’d be used to it by now.
I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be.
I wonder if your world plays a symphony of sadness the way my world does. Do you know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep each night?
I’m sorry that I wasn’t with you when you departed. You know I would have been beside you had I known you would be leaving. The time and day were kept secret, though, as were my feelings for you. I guess I should have told you I love you when you where here to listen.
Now you are too far away for me to say what I’ve always felt.
Death has taken you from me, but death cannot deny me of my dreams of you. I will wait for you each night when I lay down to go to sleep.
Yes, I will wait, and I will always love you.
I hate it when I open my eyes and find that you’re not here anymore. After all these months, you’d think I’d be used to it by now.
I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be.
I wonder if your world plays a symphony of sadness the way my world does. Do you know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep each night?
I’m sorry that I wasn’t with you when you departed. You know I would have been beside you had I known you would be leaving. The time and day were kept secret, though, as were my feelings for you. I guess I should have told you I love you when you where here to listen.
Now you are too far away for me to say what I’ve always felt.
Death has taken you from me, but death cannot deny me of my dreams of you. I will wait for you each night when I lay down to go to sleep.
Yes, I will wait, and I will always love you.
I wish you well (letter)
Dear XXXXX,
When you left, I wanted to be angry. I couldn’t find it in me, but I wanted to be angry. Sometimes, in anger, you find strength and I desperately needed strength. But I couldn’t get angry. The only thing I felt was sadness. Overwhelming sadness.
You left me for someone else. You lied about it, but I knew the truth. I had always known the truth, all along, but knowing and wanting to see or act on the truth are different things. I was miserable, but somehow, I was comfortable in my misery. It was familiar. It was… safe?
As I knew would happen, you left… and that’s when I wanted to be angry. Eventually, a few months later, the anger did hit me, and the more I became angry, the more I learned about the truth of your deception… oh, how many months I played a fool.
What fueled my anger? I was angry that you thought I was stupid enough that I didn’t know.
I knew. I knew all along. I was imply too tired, too miserable and too sick to do anything about it.
So you did what I couldn’t bring myself to do and you left. You left me for her. I will never forget the day when I discovered the whole, unadulterated truth of adultery… your adultery, infidelity. You broke my trust, but that wasn’t really even the worst of it. You kept me hanging on by a thin thread, ‘just in case’ things didn’t work out between you and the whore who you let seduce you.
Typically I wouldn’t call the other woman a whore, because I’d figure she was simply lied to by you as much as I was, but in this case, it was very clear she knew exactly what the score was when she posted blog posts laughing about how stupid I was for not knowing how long this had all been going on. She laughed, reveled in it.
You used me, and yet, I truly put as much fault and blame on her as I do on you. You see, you used me, but that’s just who you are. She knew better and chose to act the way she did. I don’t think you can help it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth.
So when you came to me and I finally confronted you, I told you then, “She’s going to cheat on you, do to you what you just did to me, and she’s going to break your heart and trust. I hope I’m there to see it when it happens.”
Guess what? I was there. It happened, and I was there.
And I learned something. It’s true that what goes around comes around. It’s true that we get back what we put out into the world. It’s also true that living well truly IS the best revenge.
When you asked me if I was happy, and I said I was, I could clearly hear the sadness in your voice. You had hope… hope, such a volatile little word. I had hope once. I had hope for a family and a friend and a lover who I could trust, who would treat me right, never hurt me, never break my trust. You promised those things to me, and you failed.
Now it’s you who comes back to me and has hope. You want me back. You regret so much. You miss me and wish you had never made the mistakes you have made. You still love me.
But I don’t love you anymore.
Do you know how powerful it is to be able to say that and truly mean it?
See, I don’t wish you ill will. I don’t want you to hurt. I’ve moved past you and on with me life. There was a time I sought revenge and wished you ill, but I don’t anymore. Now, I just want you out of my life. I don’t hurt for you anymore. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not sad, not upset, not worried, not bothered… I simply… don’t… care.
Retribution.
Universal justice.
And I didn’t have to do a thing to make that happen.
I’m not happy you’re hurting, but I don’t hurt for you. I’m not taking pleasure in your pain, but I’m not feeling pain for or with you. I’m not excited that my prophecy came true.
But I am satisfied.
So did I write this letter to gloat, brag about how good my life is?
No.
I wrote this letter because I want to thank you. I want to thank you for treating me so horribly that I could recognize, truly treasure, when someone came along who treats me good. I want to thank you for leaving, so that I was free to choose to love when he did come along. I want to thank you for being strong enough or stupid enough to walk away when I was not strong enough to do so for myself.
I also want to thank you for giving me back my faith in the universe, perhaps even my faith in God. I’ve always been told that you reap what you sow, that what goes around comes around, that what you put out there comes back to you multiplied.
Guess what? You proved that. Thank you for proving that to me. That you for affirming my faith in universally dealt justice. Because, you see, if it’s true that you reap what you sow, I’ve planted a nice harvest in my world, my life, my heart. I know now that it will all come back around for me.
In fact, it’s already started…. It started when you said your life had come full circle.
Now I move forward firm in the knowledge that I will get my due, reaping a harvest of love, faith, generosity and gratitude.
For the first time since you left, I can honestly say, “I wish you well…”
When you left, I wanted to be angry. I couldn’t find it in me, but I wanted to be angry. Sometimes, in anger, you find strength and I desperately needed strength. But I couldn’t get angry. The only thing I felt was sadness. Overwhelming sadness.
You left me for someone else. You lied about it, but I knew the truth. I had always known the truth, all along, but knowing and wanting to see or act on the truth are different things. I was miserable, but somehow, I was comfortable in my misery. It was familiar. It was… safe?
As I knew would happen, you left… and that’s when I wanted to be angry. Eventually, a few months later, the anger did hit me, and the more I became angry, the more I learned about the truth of your deception… oh, how many months I played a fool.
What fueled my anger? I was angry that you thought I was stupid enough that I didn’t know.
I knew. I knew all along. I was imply too tired, too miserable and too sick to do anything about it.
So you did what I couldn’t bring myself to do and you left. You left me for her. I will never forget the day when I discovered the whole, unadulterated truth of adultery… your adultery, infidelity. You broke my trust, but that wasn’t really even the worst of it. You kept me hanging on by a thin thread, ‘just in case’ things didn’t work out between you and the whore who you let seduce you.
Typically I wouldn’t call the other woman a whore, because I’d figure she was simply lied to by you as much as I was, but in this case, it was very clear she knew exactly what the score was when she posted blog posts laughing about how stupid I was for not knowing how long this had all been going on. She laughed, reveled in it.
You used me, and yet, I truly put as much fault and blame on her as I do on you. You see, you used me, but that’s just who you are. She knew better and chose to act the way she did. I don’t think you can help it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth.
So when you came to me and I finally confronted you, I told you then, “She’s going to cheat on you, do to you what you just did to me, and she’s going to break your heart and trust. I hope I’m there to see it when it happens.”
Guess what? I was there. It happened, and I was there.
And I learned something. It’s true that what goes around comes around. It’s true that we get back what we put out into the world. It’s also true that living well truly IS the best revenge.
When you asked me if I was happy, and I said I was, I could clearly hear the sadness in your voice. You had hope… hope, such a volatile little word. I had hope once. I had hope for a family and a friend and a lover who I could trust, who would treat me right, never hurt me, never break my trust. You promised those things to me, and you failed.
Now it’s you who comes back to me and has hope. You want me back. You regret so much. You miss me and wish you had never made the mistakes you have made. You still love me.
But I don’t love you anymore.
Do you know how powerful it is to be able to say that and truly mean it?
See, I don’t wish you ill will. I don’t want you to hurt. I’ve moved past you and on with me life. There was a time I sought revenge and wished you ill, but I don’t anymore. Now, I just want you out of my life. I don’t hurt for you anymore. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not sad, not upset, not worried, not bothered… I simply… don’t… care.
Retribution.
Universal justice.
And I didn’t have to do a thing to make that happen.
I’m not happy you’re hurting, but I don’t hurt for you. I’m not taking pleasure in your pain, but I’m not feeling pain for or with you. I’m not excited that my prophecy came true.
But I am satisfied.
So did I write this letter to gloat, brag about how good my life is?
No.
I wrote this letter because I want to thank you. I want to thank you for treating me so horribly that I could recognize, truly treasure, when someone came along who treats me good. I want to thank you for leaving, so that I was free to choose to love when he did come along. I want to thank you for being strong enough or stupid enough to walk away when I was not strong enough to do so for myself.
I also want to thank you for giving me back my faith in the universe, perhaps even my faith in God. I’ve always been told that you reap what you sow, that what goes around comes around, that what you put out there comes back to you multiplied.
Guess what? You proved that. Thank you for proving that to me. That you for affirming my faith in universally dealt justice. Because, you see, if it’s true that you reap what you sow, I’ve planted a nice harvest in my world, my life, my heart. I know now that it will all come back around for me.
In fact, it’s already started…. It started when you said your life had come full circle.
Now I move forward firm in the knowledge that I will get my due, reaping a harvest of love, faith, generosity and gratitude.
For the first time since you left, I can honestly say, “I wish you well…”
I’m not supposed to love you anymore. (letter)
Sometimes, I forget that I’m not supposed to be in love with you anymore.
I walk past your favorite food in the grocery store and think I’d like to buy it for you for dinner. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive by the donut shop on Eight Street and remember when we used to sit there together and eat the hot donuts early in the morning. My heart flutters and I feel those butterflies inside. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive home to the house we used to share, see your car in the drive, and I get excited to see you. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
The problem is, I do love you. I mean, I know we haven’t been able to work things out. I know that life has lead us in different directions and we’ve grown apart. I know that we aren’t meant to be together forever.
But I can’t help but remember the feelings, the love, the ‘real’ between us. It’s not like love can turn on a switch and turn it back off again at a whim. I’m reminded of Kenny Rogers’ song, “I can’t unthink about you. I can’t unfeel your touch…” It’s true. I can’t unlove you.
So when you’re packing up our lives and moving part of it away from me, I hope you know that somewhere in the pictures, the remnants, the memories… there, buried beneath all that past, is my love for you.
And maybe, when it comes time to divide up his and hers, yours and mine, and we walk away from the singular life we were supposed to live together, until death, and both begin living our new lives, separately, we can be kind to each other.
Maybe through the lawyers, the courts, the judges, the mediation and separation of property, we can look fondly at each other and remember the love, honor it.
Because even though I know we aren’t going to be together anymore, my heart hasn’t quite figured out yet that I’m not supposed to love you anymore. Somewhere inside of you, I know you feel the same way. Just because we can’t be together anymore doesn’t mean we have to release the love, the one good thing that was between us.
I learned a long time ago that sometimes love just isn’t enough. It wasn’t for us. Still, I need to believe that love matters, even if it’s not enough to hold together.
Someday, maybe I’ll look back and remember that I once loved you. It’s going to be awhile before that happens though, because right now, my heart just doesn’t understand yet that I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
Air
I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.
He came into my life a cool breeze.
Everyone knows that you can't catch air.
But I'm a fool and yes I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers.
Like Air.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel his arms around me.
Grabbing his hand and pointing at Orion.
Feel his breath on my neck, his body calming my cold shivers.
I replay that moment every time I blink.
I heard him tell me to open my heart.
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.
Every fear that I had .
Every insecurity vanished when he told me that he cared for me.
So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.
The moment magnified, I could hear the fish swim in the river below.
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon and everything went silent.
So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to reach up and slap God high five.
But then like air- it disappeared.
His breathing got heavy.
I saw flickers in his eyes and within a couple of seconds my world came crashing down. His confessions cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn't become actions,
I couldn't help but feel like I had lost him.
It hurt so bad. So bad. He turned the tables on me with his sexy swiftness.
Made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him. He made my eyes melt. Made my ears bleed.
Made my heart ache. And just like a cool sudden breeze- he was gone.
He removed a pebble from my foundation and collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt. And after the dust cleared, and the air had returned to it's resting stage.
I was left in ruins. Like air- I was gone.
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