A Rant..

I thought it would be nice not to write a poem, song or quote on here today. I thought I would speak from the heart. Last Monday, someone dear to me left back home & I have felt so lost since he left. I pass the street everyday that he lived on and I start to tear up. I try to remember not to turn down it or even take another street to get home or on my way to work, but I forget and I cry.

I have many people who have come in & out of my life, some it never came down to how much this one bothers me. Maybe its because I really cared for him. Maybe it is love, I really cannot lie and say I never loved him, because I did. I still do.

When he left, I knew I couldn't ask him to stay, I knew that I had to let him see for himself what he was going back too. I needed him to see from afar what he could have had here with me... maybe I will not see him again & he'll stay there forever. He says he misses me, he says he cares deeply, and from what I can tell... he is confused but I think he also sees that he cannot be happy there too long. So why stay if you know it will end? Why put time into something that may end bad? Why invest more money and time when him or her will get hurt? Guess everyone has to cross that path on their own & see it for themselves. Just the mother hen in me wants him to avoid getting hurt or being upset.

Time is one of those inevitable things & it sucks when it stops and feels like it will never pass... a week and I feel like a month has passed. I hate it. How do you make someone see the good in you & see that there would be no wrong in what could be? Why is that everyone always goes down the messed up road first? It never turns out right? It always ends up bad! Why do men want women who are super model thin & extra maintenance? Sex that great?

Ever since I was 14, I have always worked, I have always been independent. I have never in my life relied on a man to pay my way through life. I have always felt in a relationship it's 50/50 and there is always a middle ground no matter what. If your in love & that person means so much to you that if they had to stay because they enjoyed their work & I was unhappy but wanted them still in my life, I would tell them, "Look this place sucks & I want you in my life, so unless you don't want to stay here forever, please consider moving" not just up & go.

I have moved for a guy I was with, I have also given up a lot for some men... but they also made sure that I was happy in the process and made sure what ever I gave up I could gain back... except the dancing. I do regret turning down my only chance of being a professional dancer & going to the best college ever. Now blown knees, that dream is gone. My only regret in life & after 32 years of life... that's not bad.

So how do I move forward? How do I get to place of happiness without him in my life? I never knew I could ever feel what I feel for him, I never wanted to fall in love again. I was scared that I would get hurt & right now I'm hurting, and I want to try to see the silver lining & I want to say he'll be back in my life. That he will see what could be... maybe it's denial.

I know what I want, I know what I need and I found everything in him. Go figure!