Did you know? (for Skot)

Had I Known
I would have loved you then.
Had I known,
I would have asked less questions...
Followed my heart a little more.
Had I known one day you'd be gone,
and I couldn't show you anymore.
I'd have lived each moment as if it were the last.
Remember every word... not let time go by so fast.
But I was wrapped in my own image,
afraid to let it show,
But now I wish I loved you.
Why couldn't I know that you would leave me,
and I'd be caught in the past.
In the moments I could have changed,
the times that were your last.
I would have lived a lifetime in a few short days.
Instead I have a few brief moments,
that I let my heart show.
Memories of a love that I refused to know,
until it was almost too late.
Then it was over, and I was all alone.
In a daze, I wonder......
Did you know I loved you all along?

No Hurt (for Skot)

The pain
Drips from my heart
Bleeds into my chest cavity
Filling the emptiness
With viscous liquid
That slows me down
Enveloping me.

Open heart surgery
Cut savagely
At the flesh
Tear back the flaps
Rip out the organ
That rots inside
Sew the skin
Over the gaping hole
Patched not mended.

No heart.
No hurt.

I'm Naked for Skot

Inside my clothes I am naked.
Walking around with my
Body rubbing against them
I feel sexy
Feel the throb of your penis
Deep within me
Gasp at the pleasure
This brings me.
Inside my clothes I am naked.

Ecstasy for Skot

I lean towards you
Your lips seek mine out
Close my eyes
As the taste of passion
Seeps from your mouth
Ecstasy.

Monotony for Anna

I look at the grey day
Green leaves on the trees
Hear the cars passing in the street
Listen to the silence in the house
Her face appears in my minds eye
Briefly
And is gone
Every day is like this
A thought fleeting through the monotony.

Ache... my dream ~*~

I ache
With desire for you.
I lay belly up
You penetrated me.
I moved against you
Wth you, on you.
My eyes rolled back
My insides in flames
I roused you.
I excited you.
I wanted you.
Again and again and again.
You kissed me
I kissed you back.
There was tenderness.
There was passion.
There was lust.
There was everything.
I feel the trace of you now.
A faint hint of the feeling
That was there.
I long for it again.
My inner body screams for it.
I ache with desire for you.

Gona for Anna

She was i'll
I thought
She could get better
But she didn't.

She died
I tried not
To think that she would
But she did.

She is gone
I try to
Remember how she was
But I can't.

Remember for Anna

I remember the wound
I remember her confusion
I remember her lying dying in bed
I remember the blood pressure line sinking
I remember her dead
I remember her body with the blood settling
I remember the coffin with roses
I wish I could remember her & have her not slip away.

Empty for Anna

I am alone
I am lonely.

I am silent
But screaming inside.

I am frustrated
There is a knot in my chest.

My eyes are dry
My heart is weeping.

I am sighing
My head is heavy.

I laugh
But do not mean it.

Waiting for Anna

I am waiting
Waiting for you to return.
I wait for you to
Open the front door
And this dead time
Will disappear.
The truth is hard to bear.
I can't believe
You won't come back.
I am waiting
For you to return.
Even though
I have your ashes.

Last Breath for Anna

I watch her breathe her last breath
And life slips away
The effort of the struggle to live
Shows on the waxy mask of death
That her face has become
There is a hole in my heart
That nothing will heal.

Cannot Save You (letter)

I can watch you on the water, struggling to breathe, reaching for the safety of the shore.

And I cannot save you.

I can reach for you and try to pull you in, but you must reach back and help me.

I can throw you a life preserver to keep you from sinking, but this will only work for awhile. You must still swim to shore and save yourself.

While I stand on the shore and watch you drowning, floundering, struggling to survive—gasping for air and calling out my name—I know that I cannot jump in and save you. For you would only pull me down into the water with you—and neither of us would make it to the safety of the shore.

And yet, I struggle with that decision—for surely, if you do not make it to safety, if the water overcomes you and I watch you go down one more time—and this time you do not rise—I know that I would not want to live my life knowing that I could not save you, that there would be times I would wish I had gone down in that water with you, sacrificed myself, yet neither of us would be saved.

I can save myself. I can choose not to jump into that water.

But I cannot save you.

When you first jumped into the water, I watched you, and you splashed around laughing and floating on your back. I laughed with you, standing on the shore, splashing water in your face. But then you dove deeper and swam farther into the water…and the laughter stopped. It was not fun anymore. I stood on the shore, calling back to you, begging you to come back to the safety of the shore.

And you did swim closer. Sometimes you would come close enough that we could splash and laugh again and it was fun again—but you would not get out of the water…you would not come and stand on the shore with me. You said you liked the warm feel of the water on your skin—you liked the free feeling of floating weightlessly. So you would come close to me, but would never come stand with me.

And as I watched you playing in the water, each time you swam out farther and dove deeper than the time before, and then you swam so far away from where I stood that I could hardly recognize you anymore… I could hear that you were calling to me, but I could not understand what you were saying from so far away. I called back, but you could not hear me any better than I could hear you.

And you began to struggle. You began to flail and wave violently against the waves that were now overcoming you.

And I cannot save you.

I reached out my arms for you, but you did not reach back for me.

Now you are so far out that I can barely even see you.

I threw you every life preserver that I could find—even borrowing from people the things that they had that might save you. But you just used them temporarily and then cast them away. Sometimes it seemed you did not want to be saved.

I asked people to help me and, while their intentions were good, all they could do was stand on the shore with me and support me while I watched you drowning. They reached for you too, they helped me reach for you—they listened to me cry because I knew you were drowning. I was going to lose you—they even offered me advice on how to save you.

But I cannot save you.

The only thing that I can do is stand on this shore until there is nothing left of you—to stand here and watch you and hope and pray that one day you will swim back in and reach out for my hand and you can once again stand on the safety of the shore with me.

But for now, all I can do is watch you drowning—and pray for you—and wait for you.

I cannot see you anymore. The night has grown dark and the water has grown cold and the waves are crashing all around my feet—and I cannot see you anymore. But I know you are still out there, drowning, reaching for a breath and going back under again and again. I can feel you out there, struggling to survive—and I feel guilty standing here safe on the shore—what right do I have to stand here so safely when you are fighting for your life?

But I cannot save you.

All I can do is stand here. All I can do is wait.

Maybe one day when the sun rises high above the water, and the water is once again warm, and the waves are no longer crashing at my feet—perhaps then I will look out on the water and will see that you are gone. I will never know if you found a way to cross to the other side, saved yourself—or if somewhere in the dark of the night you succumbed to the waves.

Perhaps on that day, when I can no longer feel you, I will walk away from this shore and move on with my life.

But for now, I will stand here, and I will watch for you, and reach for you, and throw you anything I can to help pull you out of the water.

But I cannot save you.

Now I know (letter)

In this world, I thought I was smart, learned, educated… I had been through hell, been to heaven, and everywhere in between…
so much I had experienced, so much I thought I knew.

And then there was you.

I learned from you that as much as I thought I knew, I had only begun to understand and know the world around me. I never knew the sky could be quite so blue or a sunset so beautiful as when I watched it through your eyes, watching me.

I never knew what family really meant.

I never knew the comfort of complete, unconditional acceptance.

I never knew that friendship didn’t have to take a backseat to passion.

I never knew passion didn’t have to take a backseat to friendship.

I never knew true friendship.

I never knew true passion.

I never knew love.

No, I mean real love.

I never knew freedom. Freedom to be myself.

Safety.

Security.

I never knew I was beautiful.

I never knew I was worthy.

I never knew how humble I was until you were proud of me.

I never knew me.

To think that I could have lived my entire life without you, thinking I knew so much, when all I ever needed was to know you in order to know everything.

You are every romantic cliche ever written and every love song ever sung. Your name is whispered in every line of every piece of poetry I read and write. Where once I only wrote the words, where once I could only sometimes feel them, now I live the words I write, with passion…

…and understanding.

I never knew I was alive until you taught me how to live. I never knew how much I had, until you showed me how to give.

I never knew…

… and then there was you.

And now I know.

My dearest love (letter)

Once again, you came to me with open arms. The air was warm, as was your hand that caressed my face – your fingers that gently traced my lips. It was so good to see you when, after all this time I thought, that you had forgotten about the love we shared and held in our hearts so deeply.

I hate it when I open my eyes and find that you’re not here anymore. After all these months, you’d think I’d be used to it by now.

I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be.

I wonder if your world plays a symphony of sadness the way my world does. Do you know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep each night?

I’m sorry that I wasn’t with you when you departed. You know I would have been beside you had I known you would be leaving. The time and day were kept secret, though, as were my feelings for you. I guess I should have told you I love you when you where here to listen.

Now you are too far away for me to say what I’ve always felt.

Death has taken you from me, but death cannot deny me of my dreams of you. I will wait for you each night when I lay down to go to sleep.

Yes, I will wait, and I will always love you.

I wish you well (letter)

Dear XXXXX,

When you left, I wanted to be angry. I couldn’t find it in me, but I wanted to be angry. Sometimes, in anger, you find strength and I desperately needed strength. But I couldn’t get angry. The only thing I felt was sadness. Overwhelming sadness.

You left me for someone else. You lied about it, but I knew the truth. I had always known the truth, all along, but knowing and wanting to see or act on the truth are different things. I was miserable, but somehow, I was comfortable in my misery. It was familiar. It was… safe?

As I knew would happen, you left… and that’s when I wanted to be angry. Eventually, a few months later, the anger did hit me, and the more I became angry, the more I learned about the truth of your deception… oh, how many months I played a fool.

What fueled my anger? I was angry that you thought I was stupid enough that I didn’t know.

I knew. I knew all along. I was imply too tired, too miserable and too sick to do anything about it.

So you did what I couldn’t bring myself to do and you left. You left me for her. I will never forget the day when I discovered the whole, unadulterated truth of adultery… your adultery, infidelity. You broke my trust, but that wasn’t really even the worst of it. You kept me hanging on by a thin thread, ‘just in case’ things didn’t work out between you and the whore who you let seduce you.

Typically I wouldn’t call the other woman a whore, because I’d figure she was simply lied to by you as much as I was, but in this case, it was very clear she knew exactly what the score was when she posted blog posts laughing about how stupid I was for not knowing how long this had all been going on. She laughed, reveled in it.

You used me, and yet, I truly put as much fault and blame on her as I do on you. You see, you used me, but that’s just who you are. She knew better and chose to act the way she did. I don’t think you can help it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth.

So when you came to me and I finally confronted you, I told you then, “She’s going to cheat on you, do to you what you just did to me, and she’s going to break your heart and trust. I hope I’m there to see it when it happens.”

Guess what? I was there. It happened, and I was there.

And I learned something. It’s true that what goes around comes around. It’s true that we get back what we put out into the world. It’s also true that living well truly IS the best revenge.

When you asked me if I was happy, and I said I was, I could clearly hear the sadness in your voice. You had hope… hope, such a volatile little word. I had hope once. I had hope for a family and a friend and a lover who I could trust, who would treat me right, never hurt me, never break my trust. You promised those things to me, and you failed.

Now it’s you who comes back to me and has hope. You want me back. You regret so much. You miss me and wish you had never made the mistakes you have made. You still love me.

But I don’t love you anymore.

Do you know how powerful it is to be able to say that and truly mean it?

See, I don’t wish you ill will. I don’t want you to hurt. I’ve moved past you and on with me life. There was a time I sought revenge and wished you ill, but I don’t anymore. Now, I just want you out of my life. I don’t hurt for you anymore. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not sad, not upset, not worried, not bothered… I simply… don’t… care.

Retribution.

Universal justice.

And I didn’t have to do a thing to make that happen.

I’m not happy you’re hurting, but I don’t hurt for you. I’m not taking pleasure in your pain, but I’m not feeling pain for or with you. I’m not excited that my prophecy came true.

But I am satisfied.

So did I write this letter to gloat, brag about how good my life is?

No.

I wrote this letter because I want to thank you. I want to thank you for treating me so horribly that I could recognize, truly treasure, when someone came along who treats me good. I want to thank you for leaving, so that I was free to choose to love when he did come along. I want to thank you for being strong enough or stupid enough to walk away when I was not strong enough to do so for myself.

I also want to thank you for giving me back my faith in the universe, perhaps even my faith in God. I’ve always been told that you reap what you sow, that what goes around comes around, that what you put out there comes back to you multiplied.

Guess what? You proved that. Thank you for proving that to me. That you for affirming my faith in universally dealt justice. Because, you see, if it’s true that you reap what you sow, I’ve planted a nice harvest in my world, my life, my heart. I know now that it will all come back around for me.

In fact, it’s already started…. It started when you said your life had come full circle.

Now I move forward firm in the knowledge that I will get my due, reaping a harvest of love, faith, generosity and gratitude.

For the first time since you left, I can honestly say, “I wish you well…”

I’m not supposed to love you anymore. (letter)

Sometimes, I forget that I’m not supposed to be in love with you anymore.

I walk past your favorite food in the grocery store and think I’d like to buy it for you for dinner. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.

I drive by the donut shop on Eight Street and remember when we used to sit there together and eat the hot donuts early in the morning. My heart flutters and I feel those butterflies inside. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.

I drive home to the house we used to share, see your car in the drive, and I get excited to see you. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.

The problem is, I do love you. I mean, I know we haven’t been able to work things out. I know that life has lead us in different directions and we’ve grown apart. I know that we aren’t meant to be together forever.

But I can’t help but remember the feelings, the love, the ‘real’ between us. It’s not like love can turn on a switch and turn it back off again at a whim. I’m reminded of Kenny Rogers’ song, “I can’t unthink about you. I can’t unfeel your touch…” It’s true. I can’t unlove you.

So when you’re packing up our lives and moving part of it away from me, I hope you know that somewhere in the pictures, the remnants, the memories… there, buried beneath all that past, is my love for you.

And maybe, when it comes time to divide up his and hers, yours and mine, and we walk away from the singular life we were supposed to live together, until death, and both begin living our new lives, separately, we can be kind to each other.

Maybe through the lawyers, the courts, the judges, the mediation and separation of property, we can look fondly at each other and remember the love, honor it.

Because even though I know we aren’t going to be together anymore, my heart hasn’t quite figured out yet that I’m not supposed to love you anymore. Somewhere inside of you, I know you feel the same way. Just because we can’t be together anymore doesn’t mean we have to release the love, the one good thing that was between us.

I learned a long time ago that sometimes love just isn’t enough. It wasn’t for us. Still, I need to believe that love matters, even if it’s not enough to hold together.

Someday, maybe I’ll look back and remember that I once loved you. It’s going to be awhile before that happens though, because right now, my heart just doesn’t understand yet that I’m not supposed to love you anymore.

Air

I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.
He came into my life a cool breeze.
Everyone knows that you can't catch air.
But I'm a fool and yes I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers.
Like Air.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel his arms around me.
Grabbing his hand and pointing at Orion.
Feel his breath on my neck, his body calming my cold shivers.
I replay that moment every time I blink.
I heard him tell me to open my heart.
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.
Every fear that I had .
Every insecurity vanished when he told me that he cared for me.
So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.
The moment magnified, I could hear the fish swim in the river below.
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon and everything went silent.
So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to reach up and slap God high five.
But then like air- it disappeared.
His breathing got heavy.
I saw flickers in his eyes and within a couple of seconds my world came crashing down. His confessions cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn't become actions,
I couldn't help but feel like I had lost him.
It hurt so bad. So bad. He turned the tables on me with his sexy swiftness.
Made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him. He made my eyes melt. Made my ears bleed.
Made my heart ache. And just like a cool sudden breeze- he was gone.
He removed a pebble from my foundation and collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt. And after the dust cleared, and the air had returned to it's resting stage.
I was left in ruins. Like air- I was gone.

Lost Poem

I want to be a lost poem in a stranger's coat pocket that conveys the importance of you,
To assure you of my desire,
To assure you of my dreams.
I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection.
I want your eyes on me.
I want everything before you to follow us
And leave a trail behind us.
I want never to say good-bye to you,
Even on the street corner nor phone.
I want. . . . . . I want so much
I'm breathless.
I want to bring my power in a poem to burn a hole in your pocket,
So then I could sew it.
I want you to be distant and feel you close.
I want endless days when its day,
And nighttime never to end when its night.
I want all seasons in one day.
I want the sun to set before us,
And come up in front of us.
I want to think you're thoughts,
Because they're mine.
I want only what's urging you.
I want to get in the way of your barriers.
I want you to be tender like you do already.
I want to say we meet for a reason,
And I want that reason to be bigger then us,
And I want it to take over us,
I want to forget,
I want to remember us.
I want your smile always,
And your grimace's too.
I want your scare on my lips,
I want your disappointments in my heart,
I want your strengths in my soul,
And your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say,
And I do.
I want you to tell me what's best,
When I don't know.
When your lost,
I want to find you and drag you from the darkness.

reminisce

I reminisce for you,
I reminisce the days,
I try to forget,
But the feelings never go away.
I reminisce for you,
I reminisce the nights,
For the things we did,
And how it was so right.
I reminisce for the love,
For the love that was always there,
I reminisce, I reminisce and I know in my heart,
That you really did care.
Even though my mind played tricks on me,
And I cant seem to let you go,
I believe it's because your still loving me,
I reminisce, I reminisce,
And the memories tell me so.

Love does not end

Every one has had one
this life time
or a life before.
A love one can not forget
stays in your heart
never to end.
A special love
you always carry
to the ends of time.
The love you have
will last a life time
in this life or the pat.
A love that never ends
even though their life has end
it carries on through out the years.
You know in your heart
you will meet again
and this love does not end.

A Mark

In my eyes everyone can see the pain
They see the stain across my heart
They see where I was lied to and then they see the truth,
yes they see both marks.

They stand back as a voyer, they watch with no response
does that make them guilty of the sin that was just done?
They tell its going to be ok
They say "its her he loves"
The glare i get confronts me
once again i feel undone...

For days we go without speaking
this is very rare for us
i don't want the friendship to end this way
but i'm lost for what to say
do i put it all on the line
or do we let fate choose our way

I pick up the phone but feel compelled to put it down
I care enough about you so why do i feel like a clown?
Surely i can explain and hopefully ease you pain
but what i'm scared of most is putting another mark on your heart and one on mine.

Try your best

Life doesn't always turn out the way you want
no white picket fence, no handsome prince
there seems more lows then there are highs
you wonder if its all worthwhile

The courage to face another day is hard to find sometimes
that smiling face to hide behind is starting to show the pain
but no one does notice, least no one you know
you suffer in silence with no one to hear your screams
the constant warning signs that your not happy here
you try to reach out but it falls on deaf ears
you try each day to hold back the tears

Some days are good, but most are bad
with no one to talk to it sends you mad
your inner most thoughts and expressions are bound
the key to your heart is yet to be found
Their love gets further and further away
people start to care less and less each day

You try your best yet it seems to be your worst
nothing is ever good enough, not unless you come first
life's mountains are big and steep to climb
Is life really worth it... Not all of the time.

external damage

External damage, superficial cuts
inflicted to hide the gaping wounds internal.
physical scars to show wounds that never heal
trust is lost, perhaps never to be regained.
taken from me, all that was left
broken inside and out
desperate to escape the pain
shadows linger where light once shown
dark clouds obstruct my eyes
never again whole, forever shattered and lost
damage nonrepairable
numb me on the inside
let me escape the memories in my mind
take me on the waves in the sea of dampened pain
peace is a lie, only distilled pain can i gain
myself was stolen from me, never to be regained
all that's left is the emptiness and pain

Within

Sleepless nights,
dreadful dreams,
are haunting me.

The mysterious sounds
of the night,
are very frightening me.

Panic and rage
Runs through my body
The devil is trying to get in.

Day after day
I fight off the urges
That would be so satisfying

A battle rages
Deep within my soul
It's all I can do to hold on.

Prayer is my weapon,
faith gives me peace of mind,
to stop the demons from taking over.

Depression knocks me down,
Grace picks me back up,
As the battle still rages

I pray and pray
For the fight to end
But I know the battle is still within.

Me in the Mirror

I look in the mirror and see a girl,
Who is staring back at me.
I don't know who she is,
Because she's not the girl I wana be.
She puts a smile on,
While inside she is falling apart.
She says, "I'm okay",
As pain fills her heart.
She pretends not to care,
As everyone slowly walks away.
She hides behind her mask,
And pretends to be okay.
She is scared to open up,
And call someone her best friend.
They all turn out the same,
And never really care in the end.
She is scared to let people close,
It always ends up as heartache.
She decides to trust someone,
But it always ends up as a big mistake.
She feels like a stranger in her own home,
Like she doesn't even belong.
She tries the best she can,
But it always seems to be wrong.
She freezes up at the word "love",
People throw it around too much.
Her muscles constrict,
As she is afraid to be touched.
She has ideas for the future,
Hopes and dreams of her own.
But she doesn't hold her breath,
Because disappointment is all she has ever known.
She asks, "Why am I never good enough",
"Why am I always second choice"?
People tell her she's got to stand up for what she wants,
She's got to find her own voice.
I know who I wanna be,
It's all so much clearer.
But the fact of life is,
I'm only the girl in the mirror.

Hold me Close

Hold me close and don’t let go;
I'm so scared to be alone.
I've been by myself for too long,
And always had to be strong.
Now I only want to rest;
And lay my head on your chest.
Hold me close and don’t let go;
These wars I fight no one knows.
Now whisper how you love me,
Say it tender and softly.
I am weary and soon will sleep,
But with you no longer will I weep.
So hold me close and don't let go,
For I never want to be alone.

Lost & Falling

Life frozen or caught on fire,
why does it matter?
Cut deep or shallow scratch,
in narrow alleys with a patch of darkness.
Falling up or getting down,
a cup of glass cutting our throats.
Mass collections of suicide notes,
and a small amount of hope.
Falling into death in deep with darkness,
seeking thought or maybe not.
Going in circles with out a fight,
not slavery and so far out of sight.
Loss and false hopes binding us down,
its our cost of not being found.
Sounds of voices peek in our heads,
fallen asleep deep in our beds.
Graves of memories found in our dreams,
deep dreams filling with passion and rising with action.
Faith calling and showing our fates,
knowing of death and full of hates.
Sedating our minds and lost hopes of love,
kind and gentle thoughts of warmness,
Killed our fate of endless fought circles,
loneliness found here between worlds.
The sound of calling,
found and falling.

Roses

Many times tears are shed,
does it make us dead?

Life, that - tears can create,
for that, tears you should not hate...

So let the tears just rain,
get released from your pain...

In the stone, roses can grow,
just feed them, let the tears flow...

Shelter the roses in love and care,
even out from stone, grow, they dare...

"Holidaze"

Everyday we get to give the gift of life, it can be painful, it can be terrifying, but in the end it's worth it. Every time. We all have the opportunity to give. Maybe the gifts are not as dramatic as what happens in the operating room, maybe the gift is to try and make a simple apology, maybe it's to understand another person's point of view, maybe it's to hold a secret for a friend. The joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give till it hurts, and then you give some more.

Bottom of my Core

As I watch life pass by I see my heart start to cry.
I allowed myself to tear down my walls, now I feel the water falls.
One by one I trusted more. Now I'm empty inside to the bottom of my core.

My heart rekindled love, magic & so much more.
Now you hurt me, bruised me & made my heart sore.

Just like all the others in my past.
You say your nice & you care but that didn't last.

I gave my heart, my soul & body...me.
Rejected so you can just be!

You

ocean waves
wash my soul
cleanse me of your smile

and the memory of
ten fingers
entwined forever
in a hopeless wish

Darkness

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness's grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness

Smiling for the World

All around me;
sadness,
regret,
pain,
and within.

The world doesn’t care to know
of my grief.
Smile,
they’ll feel better about themselves.

Where misery
is commonplace,
they don’t care to hear my problems.
Smile,
so they can go on with their lives.

It doesn’t matter
how I feel inside.
Keep it to myself
and don’t forget to smile,
so they can pretend all is well.

All around me;
sadness,
regret,
pain,
and within.

Putting on my face,
and smiling for the world

Like You

I want to be like you
Its so silent underground

I can feel you in snowflakes
of your love that has fallen

I can sense your footsteps
That are all but forgotten

Its not your thoughts that linger here
Its the hearts that wish to hear

You whisper in the wind
Although I feel like giving in

But I only wish to be like you

Window

A demon on horseback rides in the night
the black dog runs beside
when Hecate cries
the harpies answer
and someone will die

The bitter winds whisper his deeds
only the dark clouds watch him leave
a face no one has lived to see
what could be so insidious
so hideous
leave you cold and pale clutching your chest
steals your last breath
scares you to death

If you live alone at night
and the winter moon is full and bright
never look outside
listen for the banshee cries
the face of abomination, Satan's creation
beget from the darkest region of the mind

A demon on horseback rides in the night
the black dog runs beside
when Hecate cries
the harpies answer
and someone will die

Secret Need

she lost her soul
her enigma, her mole
her salutation, her goal
she lost her soul
her words felt muted
and there was not
one to be disputed
the empty buckets
lined the hills
every mouth was a fish
looking for water
she felt their hunger
ignored the murder
she was somewhere
far from herself
while everyone was here
she was in every body
that was scared
her soul was scattered
fettered to a door
she gave it all away
and then she wanted more
her secret need
while she cried silently
was to feel real in some
insane place where
people could not see

I F@%king Hate You

i could fill this poem
with metaphors and similes
i could fill it with beautiful words
if i wanted to
i could put effort into this
but you are so stupid
you wouldn't realize this is about you
and if you did
you wouldn't know what its about
so instead of pretty words
and poetry
but this isn't a poem
so I'll just come out and say it
i fucking hate you
i wish you were dead
you're a liar
you're a user
you're a monster
if you don't die soon
I'll kill you myself
do i sound angry?
well I'm headed to therapy
so calm down
he'll give me my meds
i won't kill you



today.